The messy PART TWO: I hate my life.

I hate my life. I hate Walter. I hate my body. I hate... this. I am SO angry with myself (not for the chocolate incident). I am so sick of being in a body that DOESN'T work! I hate that I place all the value of myself on what the scale says. I hate that I have NO motivation to do anything today. I hate being tired. All. The. Time. I hate the way I look, when things don't function properly. I hate my hair, my skin and my feet (the foot thing is unrelated, but I hate it).

I feel like I am working SO hard. I feel like I am giving up everything, sacrificing things that make me happy (re: chocolate) for what? I had 4 Hershey Kisses yesterday (maybe it was 5, do you WANT to argue with me right now?!) and I gained 1.5 pounds. I feel disgusting and defeated. Even with that splurge my calorie intake was 1553ish. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! How can a woman of my size eat 1550 healthy (minus the chocolate) calories and GAIN WEIGHT?! Answer... a defunct thyroid and a messy treatment that creates a 'Walter' and resolves nothing. OK, that's not fair... the treatment MAY be working, by causing an uproar BEFORE flushing everything out, but how am I suppose to know that??? I am afraid to keep going and afraid to stop.

Walter is getting fat, (fitting since he is a part of my body). He traps air in my throat and makes me burp. I feel congested and like I have something stuck right there under my apple. Hmpf.

I am just ready for something to work. I am ready for anything to work. I would stand on my head for a week if someone told me it would fix this. I am caught in a HUGE mood swing, I want to cry. I am so burned out. It has been 3 years of the same... make a goal, strive daily to hit the goal, work too hard at the gym, eat nothing and get nowhere... at what point do I say 'F it' and just accept that I am a full figured women with flabby arms?!? I want to be ok with my body more than I want babies (and that is A LOT). I want to feel normal, successful and healthy. I don't want to fear every calorie or treat. I don't want to live a life of restriction forever. Imagine the joy and pleasure I am going to miss out on, because I am so scared to make a mistake.

ARGH!

I hate my life.

No Love!

Pounds to lose: 21

Restart - AGAIN!

I hate myself today.

I hate that I let myself go.

I hate even more that my body is SO dysfunctional that ONE week of not counting every calorie has left me with another 10-pounds to loose.

I hate it.

I hate that the doctors can't find anything wrong, yet I know I am falling apart.

I hate that I have to starve myself and hit the gym 15 times in a week just to MAINTAIN my weight.

I hate that I will never be 'skinny'.

I hate that I want to be 'too skinny'. I want people to talk behind my back about how I have lost TOO much weight. I know it is unhealthy, but I can't stop.

I reach for that chocolate bar and instantly feel disgusted when I eat it, yet I eat it. I over indulge and hate myself for it, but can't stop.

Today I hate a lot of things... and it hurts the most to hate myself.

I am back on the Slim Fast. I need to kick start my body. I need to get moving. I have 20 pounds to loose by the end of the year and for anyone keeping track that is 8 WEEKS! I need to loose MORE than 2 pounds per week consistently for the next 8 weeks. I can't imagine the disappointment I will feel when I have to say Happy New Years as a continued fatty.

I hate that I am starting another year as a fatty. I hate that I hate my body SO much.

Wish me luck. I need to do this for my sanity. It's not even about being healthy anymore.

I am going to report to YOU everyday my diet and exercise. I promise to be completely honest.

Love!

Today's MENU
Breakfast - Slimfast Shake
Snack - Celery and Peanut Butter, Large Green Tea - black.
Lunch - 7 grain bun with Chicken, cheese and mustard with grapes.
Snack - 6 crackers, 1 large apple
Dinner - Slimfast Shake

Total Calories: 1230

Exercise
Run: 45 minutes
Restart Week 2 Push-ups.

Pounds to loose: 20(-0) - Body Fat: -0% - Inches Lost: 0 - Push Ups: 0

Everything is going downhill...

... and not the fun-easier-to-run down hill, but the I-am-getting-no-where-and-hate-myself down hill.

Running: 50minutes (15 run - 35 run/sprint/walk)
Calories: 728

I came to a realization as I stepped off the scale this morning up 3 pounds from Friday... I first thought, 'Oh I am bloated' then I thought 'I am de-hydrated' and then it dawned on me. Maybe I am not bloated or de-hydrated maybe I am just FAT and maybe... just MAYBE I always will be.

Nothing seems to work. I run over 20k a week. I go to Spin once a week. Muscle Up once a week and Boot Camp twice a week. I stay under my daily calorie allowance and still I can't loose to save my life. Is it muscle? No. Is it water weight? No. Am I loosing inches? No. Can I give up? No. I have to keep on this ridiculous schedule or I will balloon up to well past my starting weight... it is hopeless - HOPELESS. Ok, I know I am being over dramatic, but its my blog and I can cry is I want to.

So in light of today's crummy news and to honor my 150th post... a list of 150 things I hate.

150. Plateau's in weight loss.
149. My Bra... it hurts me daily and cost me 100-dollars!
148. Some (most) of my co-workers.
147. Whatever is rattling in the ceiling above my desk.
146. Cheap pencils. The ones that break easily and NEVER sharpen right.
145. Ribs. Not because of their rich, gooey, BBQ-ey goodness, but because I love them SO much and they are SO fattening.
144. Popcorn shells. The little brown skin that gets caught in your teeth after eating popcorn
143. My arms. Will they never get toned!
142. Weddings. Most days I don't want to BASK in someone else's happiness
141. Bridal Showers (you knew that was coming)
140. The lack of windows in my office. I have NONE. It's like working in a timeless, seasonless vault of unhappiness.
139. Eyebrow hairs. I have been ripping you out for 11 years, don't you get it? I don't want you there!!
138. Tea. It never tastes as good as it smells.
137. Living in Acton. It is so GOD DAMNED far from EVERYTHING!
136. Traffic.
135. Bad Drivers... the ones that don't signal, hover over the break and NEVER drive the speed limit.
134. This unreachable itch in the centre of my back.
133. Cake. **See 145 for explanation.
132. Stupid people. If you don't know tell me and I will help you! Trying and failing only leaves me to clean up your mess.
131. Know-it-all clients. No you're right... I have worked in this industry for 10 years because I DON'T know what I am doing.
130. Planning. What happen to Spontaneity?
129. Money and my LACK of it.
128. Jealousy. My jealously of EVERYONE around me getting what I want.
127. Fish. What is your purpose? You taste foul and smell even worse.
126. The distance between me and my family.
125. Being patient. Why the hell can't I have what I want RIGHT NOW?
124. Brussels Sprouts.
123. Beets
122. Someone else cooking for me.
121. Dependency of others. DO IT YOURSELF!
120. Tofu.
119. Salt. The movie NOT the mineral.
118. My longing for adventure. Why can't I just be happy with my life?
117. When your metal fork scratches on your plate, your teeth or anything else that is metal.
116. Not having my OWN home.
115. Missing my Nana. I miss her EVERYDAY.
114. Old Mill Cadillac.
113. When people question my intelligence.
112. The unrealistic physical expectations forced on women.
111. Overly happy people. Who is REALLY that happy about life?
110. Whiners.
109. Shorts. I have never worn a pair of shorts that DIDN'T ride up.
108. When you're right.
107. When I am wrong.
106. Mornings.
105. Not being on vacation.
104. The unknown. Tell me where you are. I worry.
103. Having to PEE sitting down.
102. Pills.
101. The cost of above pills.
100. Lazy people.
99. Being unable to perform, sing or dance. I wish I had a talent.
98. Skinny people. Do you they know how lucky they are?
97. People who spit when they talk.
96. Close talkers.
95. Close talkers that spit.
94. Lack of respect in today's youth.
93. The inability to make people change.
92. I hate that I miss you.
91. I hate that I need you.
90. the control you have over my personal emotions.
89. Being fat!
88. Not being skinny.
87. Having to WORK so HARD to have less than everyone around me.
86. Dentists.
85. Construction.
84. Centipedes. Ear wigs and Silver Fish... they are all in the same category of GROSS.
83. Regrets.
82. Goodbyes.
81. Dogs. I think I hate dogs.
80. Being controlled.
79. Being offered advice from someone who can't get their own life in order.
78. Watching people make mistakes.
77. Sports on TV
76. The Olympics.
75. Politics.
74. Cumin.
73. Bad Grammar... ironic, I know.
72. Not knowing everything.
71. Feeling inferior.
70. Watered down beverages.
69. Gin.
68. My teeth. They're bad... oddly straight and very white, but VERY brittle.
67. Having NO fashion sense.
66. Smug people.
65. Panty Hoes.
64. wanting to be someone else.
63. never being good enough for you.
62. not travelling.
61. sitting still.
60. waking up.
59. The VERY short life span of CELL phones.
58. when no one takes me seriously.
57. Questions. Stop asking me Questions!!
56. Not being able to figure out my daily readers on this BLOG!
55. Not being funny.
54. Time. It crawls when I want it to run and sprints when I want it to slow.
53. My addiction to Facebook
52. Space Balls.
51. Lost. Thank goodness it is OVER.
50. Living away from my friends.
49. Not knowing if I will ever see you again.
48. feeling under appreciated.
47. being self conscious.
46. my NAKED ring finger!
45. Playing cards.
44. Steal my Sunshine by Len.
43. Waiting for mail.
42. fattening RED VELVET cake.
41. The cost of concert tickets.
40. Clutter.
39. Complicated Math.
38. Billboards.
37. My lack of ME time.
36. the feeling of disappointing those around me.
35. Gas. Having it, paying for it, pumping it, needing it.
34. Cold rain.
33. Humidity.
32. Doing the dishes.
31. When friends move away.
30. The fact the 'mycrazymotherinlaw.blogspot.com' is taken.
29. Non-sentimental gifts.
28. Buying gifts... not because I am cheap, but because I NEVER know what to get.
27. My inability to trust everyone.
26. Naive people.
25. Paying for parking.
24. Wanting to run away.
23. keeping secrets from you.
22. being unable to trust that you love me.
21. Running out of time to finish this BLOG.
20. Not being the coolest person I know.
19. Milk.
18. Poison Ivy.
17. Camping. I really hate it.
16. Being PALE.
15. Mushrooms.
14. Pasta and anything in a RED sauce.
13. Oily hand cream.
12. Germs... yours, mine and everyone's.
11. Cheap Lip balm.

Let's finishing up with 10 things I love... writing a list is VERY therapeutic and I feel good now. So, on to the 'I love's...

10. Lazy Sunday's in bed.
9. Fresh Bread... the smell, the taste... toasted or plain.
8. Solstice. My favorite Niece!
7. Shooting stars and the magic in them.
6. Being able to see beauty in ordinary things.
5. Making my friends laugh.
4. Writing.
3. Getting mail (emails and snail mail).
2. Working up a GOOD sweat.
1. Richard. I love him more than anything and I love him in a way I never thought possible.

That's it for today... my second last BOOT CAMP is tonight. Let's hope its a doozy!

Love!

Pounds to loose: 19(-5) - Body Fat Percentage Decline: 0.3% - Inches Lost: 4