Come along... follow me down the path of self healing. You'll witness the struggles and the successes of a foodie getting in shape. It's hard and not always fun, but always necessary!
Love!
Yes, I aware that is grammatical in correct, but there are 'much' things I need to write about.
Let's talk about yesterday... 3 workouts. I already talked about the first two, but the third... what an interesting experience. I joined Cassy for a Hot Yoga Detox class last night..
Detox Vinyasa - A gentle Vinyasa flow suitable for all levels. The intention of this practice is to detoxify the mind and body by stimulating, cleansing and nourishing from the inside out.
What an amazingly intense and eye opening class. It is what I always expected Hot Yoga to be; not just poses in a hot room, but chanting, breathing techniques and spiritual connections and thanks. Now, I am not a granola, I don't buy into all the hype, but this class made me feel centred calm and refreshed. We worked through the Vinyasa flow to 'ring out' every organ and increase blood flow. We worked our diaphragm through intense breathing exercise and lots of holding. I can't even begin to describe.
Trish ended with a prayer, which I am trying to find and it just made everything make sense. I love yoga, I love feeling at one with my surroundings.
You know who doesn't like Yoga... Walter.
Last night as we were 'ringing out' our glands Walter screamed as I cut of circulation to him and then forced blood to rush through him and my every other creature living in my throat. No one else reacted as poorly as Walter... this morning I woke up to a large, hard lump in my throat, more so to the right side. The discomfort has returned... in the second picture, you can kind of his him; fully extended. WTF?! I have to make an appointment with my doctor for another ultrasound, this is getting past funny into annoying. I am read to part ways with Walter... even if that means surgery. Which let's hope it doesn't, although hospital time means ICE CREAM (guilt free) and TEDDY BEARS!
As I sit here typing this Walter is pushing on my esophagus, making me want to swallow continuously. Hmpf.
Finally (of my much things) I pulled out the scale this morning. Look, 3 times a week is still better than 3 times a day. Baby steps. The results are positive though... I have lots a few pounds and maybe I missed a disheartening increase. Who knows? I put the scale away until Friday for my offical weigh in.
Filleted was COMPLETELY accurate. What a night! Half way through one appointment, numb up through my ear, my dentist hits gold, smelly infected gold. The whole room stinks and I am in a world of unexplained pain. Turns out I had a serious infection tucked under one bad tooth, which isn't the reason I went to the dentist in the first place. Nothing hurt (or smelled) until she started poking around.
Now reading this blog you know I have bad teeth... it runs in the family and I am the unlucky kid that loses a molar every year. I am working on implants, but those suckers are expensive.
Back to last night... I am immediately rushed (30k away) to an oral surgeon so he can cut away at my gums and pull out the decaying tooth, that wasn't a problem until my dentist started poking around (can you sense the bitterness????) Finally after 4 hours I am leaving the second dentist office of the day and on my way home, missing a tooth and $600 further in debt. What a scam.
I have a handful of pain meds to take and 4 prescriptions to fill.
Now the interesting part of ALL Of this... first, my dentist said she remembered this infection from 2010... why she didn't do anything then, I don't know. Second, this infection, based on the size and length of it, could be the viral infection that forced my body to attack my thyroid, enter thyroiditis. Hmmm... It all could make sense if I wasn't hopped up on pain killers.
And only because I love you... a picture of my chubby little face.
Wish me luck!
Don't judge me... its early and I am on meds... ha!
I hate my life. I hate Walter. I hate my body. I hate... this. I am SO angry with myself (not for the chocolate incident). I am so sick of being in a body that DOESN'T work! I hate that I place all the value of myself on what the scale says. I hate that I have NO motivation to do anything today. I hate being tired. All. The. Time. I hate the way I look, when things don't function properly. I hate my hair, my skin and my feet (the foot thing is unrelated, but I hate it).
I feel like I am working SO hard. I feel like I am giving up everything, sacrificing things that make me happy (re: chocolate) for what? I had 4 Hershey Kisses yesterday (maybe it was 5, do you WANT to argue with me right now?!) and I gained 1.5 pounds. I feel disgusting and defeated. Even with that splurge my calorie intake was 1553ish. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! How can a woman of my size eat 1550 healthy (minus the chocolate) calories and GAIN WEIGHT?! Answer... a defunct thyroid and a messy treatment that creates a 'Walter' and resolves nothing. OK, that's not fair... the treatment MAY be working, by causing an uproar BEFORE flushing everything out, but how am I suppose to know that??? I am afraid to keep going and afraid to stop.
Walter is getting fat, (fitting since he is a part of my body). He traps air in my throat and makes me burp. I feel congested and like I have something stuck right there under my apple. Hmpf.
I am just ready for something to work. I am ready for anything to work. I would stand on my head for a week if someone told me it would fix this. I am caught in a HUGE mood swing, I want to cry. I am so burned out. It has been 3 years of the same... make a goal, strive daily to hit the goal, work too hard at the gym, eat nothing and get nowhere... at what point do I say 'F it' and just accept that I am a full figured women with flabby arms?!? I want to be ok with my body more than I want babies (and that is A LOT). I want to feel normal, successful and healthy. I don't want to fear every calorie or treat. I don't want to live a life of restriction forever. Imagine the joy and pleasure I am going to miss out on, because I am so scared to make a mistake.
**I had to break up this post, because the frustration and anger I am feeling today will take away from the very funny thing I did yesterday.
I met with a friend for lunch and a quick Valentine's Day recap, we talked for hours and it was great to catch up and resolve some lose ends. From my VDAY post you know I was all a 'twitter' with love yesterday.
I floated back to my desk to find a pile of Hershey's Kisses. My. Favorite. Chocolate. I thanked the generous provider of the chocolates moved them OUT of eye sight and got to work. I don't know when it happen. I don't know how, but my hands and the chocolate craving part of my body seemed to override my willpower and sense of detox. In seconds warm milk chocolate was flowing over my tongue, the instant pleasure of this is making my lips curl and my eyes warm. And then ---
"I'M EATING CHOCOLATE!" I screamed, in my office... that I share with 7 other writers. I through my arms back and pushed away from my desk, clearly angry.
"Are you ok?" One brave co-worker asks. And then I notice them all frozen staring at me with a look of humor and -- fear.
"No," I said and blow out a sigh "I don't know how it happen."
And the room erupted in laughter... and thus the slippery slope of recovery was broken and I was back on the chocolate. I had 4 more Hershey Kisses. I don't feel guilty and I would do it again!!!
What I do feel is, annoyed. How could my body do that to me??? I have been working SO hard, avoiding ALL temptation, counting my calories and sticking to this stupid detox and then BAM! Chocolate IN my mouth.
I haven't thrown in the towel, but I might as well. This week has been a slow week of excuses and extravagance.
Let's begin... Monday I made it to the gym and even doubled up on my timing (go me), but I was on my 4th day of 'being late' and the stress took away from the intensity of my workout. I also skipped the evening strength training, because (excuse number 2) Richard is working nights this week and is screwing with our routines.
Tuesday, I had the best intentions to go to spin class but finally a visitor arrived (you didn't think I would tell you I was pregnant like that, did you?) and I was in the worst pain, keeled over at my desk. I also got a new project that filled my morning.. and my afternoon. The very same afternoon I scheduled my annual review. Picture it... an intense meeting in my bosses over heated office with cramps tearing up my insides. Mmm.
I got home Tuesday night for a mad dash of frantic, with a splash of excitement as Richard and I prepared to taste the menu at Geraldo's, our wedding venue. The diet went to hell when the buffet opened and I was forced to sample everything... including wine and dessert. (Read about it here). We got home at 9p; Richard quickly changed and headed to work. Having already blown my diet I snacked...
Wednesday, the big day, I was off of work and headed to a doctors appointment, then planned a busy day of getting things done (fail). Let's talk about this Doctors appointment.
I arrived 15minutes early (at their request) to fill out paperwork. While I was sitting in the waiting room, with my paperwork, the receptionist decided it was a great time to openly mock past patients. I believe the conversation was something like 'Did you see that guys cold sore?', 'Yea, it was practically talking to me'. I tried not to listen and to not let their unprofessionalism taint my experience, but I was already feeling queasy anticipating bad news. Then a kid (I say this, because she was barely 18) asks me to step into the back room. She is wearing a deep purple valor leisure suit with a golden dragon spilling over her entire back. She escorts me into the back room for weighing and measurements. She doesn't allow me to take off my massive sweater or shoes, but weighs me anyways. This room is about 4 feet wide and 3 feet long, on one wall was a stack of random boxes, including one for toilet paper. Another wall was an old yellowing fridge (please remember I am at the specialist office) and half through the assessment the receptionist cuts through and giggles.
I am taken to another crowded little room and asked random questions about thyroid cancer, followed by all the questions I just answered on the forms I came in early to fill out.
I head back to the waiting room, where the receptionist are at it again. This time mocking the doctor and all his 'stupid questions'. After 45 minutes (10:45a, my appointment was at 10a) my name is called. I get up and walk to the chatty receptionist and she gives me a dumb look than says 'back there' and points randomly down the long hallway behind her desk. I ask where and she says just head down there you'll find him.
I find a little room at the end of the hall with a man lounging behind a desk cluttered with papers, garbage, food and more. He invites me to sit down and asks why I am there, I mention my thyroid and a few sympt-- he cuts be off and says 'excuse me. I am reading.' as he scans my chart. Thanks. He then mumbles, in an accent I don't recognize, about Dr. Hart. I say-- wait, this is better in dialogue.
'you see he-art docter?' he said.
'I'm sorry who?' I try to sound polite.
'Card-EE-log-eye-gist?' He says slowly.
'I'm sorry I don't uderstand' I respond even slower.
'HEE-ART' He says, 'He-ART Doc-tear'
'Heart Doctor? No.'
'Yes'
'No'
You get the idea... he was reading my chart all the way back to 2008, thanks for being thorough, but let's skip ahead. (PS. No, I never saw a heart Doctor, even in 2008... he misread the chart).
I start to tell him why I am there, the incurable symptoms, my concerns and the few details I've read online. I ask about other treatments. He stares blankly and mutters 'I don't know.' Then his perils of wisdom tell me, the Internet offers only a misdiagnoses; his example -- like when someone is having chest pain, they make think it is a heart attack, because of the Internet, but it is actually something else. I said 'Great, am I having a heart attack?' My heart was racing. He said no, but your symptoms might not be related to your thyroid. I countered with 'what could they be related too?' He said 'I don't know.'
He told me my levels were normal and I was fine. I asked why I was there. He said 'I don't know'. He did a physical examination and determined that my thyroid was/is enlarged. I asked why and he said... I don't know.
I am typically VERY patient with people, but I could read this guys face 'look at the lazy fat girl, looking for a quick fix and a reason why she is gaining weight. Maybe you should stop eating, fatty.' I have seen that look before. The doctors don't believe for a second that I eat well and exercise. I loose my temper when that glazed over look appears. I excused myself, left the office and have no intention on going back, but my doctor, my lovable GP will hear about this.
I cried in the car. I has prepared for news... news of something, something curable. Not nothing. Not another 'its all in your head', but that is precisely what I got.
The best part about my week... Richard was home, warm and snuggly in bed. I drove home tears in my eyes and climbed into bed. We slept all afternoon and it was perfect. I didn't go to yoga or get anything done, but my heart was healed and I loved it.
Sleep turned my eating schedule upside down and I skipped lunch, but ate an early dinner with Richard around 3. We bounced around the house for a few more hours, before I went to bed and he went to work. It is confusing, but ok for just one week.
Today (Thursday) I packed a healthy lunch, with good snacks. I went to step class and pushed through the high intensity of the class. I feel ok with myself... disappointed, but ok.
Tomorrow is Friday and I have all the intentions in the world to go to the gym and eat well, but its Friday and I still have all those errands to do. So I may skip certain healthy options, besides I am a chocolate craving maniac at this time of the month.
That is why this week is a waste... Next week will be better and February 1st will be amazing, because I have more doctors appointments, including my naturopath, who will fix everything. Sigh
So I have a water app. It's a simple app where you track your water intake. I know. So simple, but so affective. Most people don't drink enough water in a day and now that I am aware of my intake I know the symptoms of dehydration. I love water and, other than tea (and wine) its all I drink now.
So I recommend the app... search 'water' in the app store and the app is called 'water'. Its all so simple.
This very simple water app also has 'Water Tips'... most of them are things you already know about water, how much is in the body, how much is in the world, scientific facts too. The one I am excited to share is...
"After a day of proper hydration, allowing a few grains of salt to melt on your tongue will put you into a deep natural sleep"
I have been doing this all week.. and HOLY BANANAS, its true. I have never sleep as well as I have this past week. I don't wake in the night (which had become common in the last 2 months) and I feel so rested in the morning. I don't have dreams (or nightmares)... that I remember, which was always another annoyance of sleeping.
So my weekend tip is to try it, I don't know what happens if you do it with out proper hydration... if you try it let me know if it worked for you to.
DOUBLE POST!
I missed yesterday, because work was just a little too much. I did however make it to the gym. I made it to Assata's step class and I loved it. My legs are sore and I lost another pound. I wish she had a step class everyday... i would gladly attend.
Although this class did arouse a pet peeve that seems to have become a regular thing in this class. A brief background: Sign up for the noon class starts at 11:45a. If you don't make it on the list, you don't make it into class. There isn't enough room or enough equipment. The spots are numbered (on the floor) and you build your step on a number. That gives everyone enough room and prevents over crowding. When this happens its great, especially in a class that involves a lot of BIG movements and floor space. Enter Pet Peeve... a girl (the same one every week) shows up late, doesn't sign in and stand on the side (right beside me) and does the work out without equipment. Normally I wouldn't care, but she is not humble about it. She is rude and scowls at everyone who showed up on time, and may not be in the shape she is, but are trying very hard. In short she is a bitch.
I don't know how to rectify this... I don't want to be the squeaky wheel, but it does affect my workout when I have to shorten my movements or watch out for her flying high kick. The frustrating part is even more that the instructors make a point to discuss this at the start of every class... that 'bitch' misses. Hmpf!
Ok... rant over. Try the water thing... and have a great weekend.
Love!
Its gotta to be quick... I am feeling a little jittery and my co-workers keep asking if I am high, because I asking a lot of questions, missing a lot of jokes and saying random things that don't make sense... I wanted to offer you one for a chuckle, but I've got nothing rattling around in the old noggin'.
I am writing in spite of myself, because I ran today. Maybe I am high on endorphins, maybe I am finally relaxed after weeks of stress, maybe I am tired and maybe, just maybe, I am high. (I'm not high).
I love running. I love being at the gym. I never realize how much I love the gym until I miss it for a few days weeks and things start to catch up with me... my clothes don't fit, I can't sleep, I feel swollen and anxious. I need the gym. I need to feel like I am doing something beyond sitting around letting my ass grow, which although fun is not my favorite thing to do.
Ok so I ran (you probably gathered that from the above paragraph) and I ran in my new sports bra (you saw THAT coming... and if you didn't... 'are you high?'). It was great! Better than I had expected. Typically I like an adjustable sports bra, with extra support i.e. under wire, cups, straps... this one has none of those, it is, however incredibly tight and that works for me. It sandwiches my boobies into nothing and you know what nothing does... nothing! Not a jiggle, not a wiggle, not a flop. No pain, no discomfort just running. It did pull a bit on my shoulders, but it has to pull somewhere and besides the straps are thick and fuzzy so there are no war wounds and I can finally get back to running everyday. Weeeeeeee!
It has NO hooks or loops to break. It has NO under wire to maim. It is SUPER tight and takes away all my feminine curves, which is saying a lot about my C-cup. Let's see if she works.
Side note: Bra shopping SUCKS. Why does everything have to be SO complicated... I tried on 12 bras, before settling on this one, not because it was the best or the most flattering, but because it fit. Now we all know I am NOT a size zero and curves are a part of who I am, but who decided to make bras so ugly?? And even forget about ugly, its going underneath stuff and I am ok with ugly, but what man invented a over the head bra that ALSO needs to be done up?
Get this... it was a super tight, non-flexible material (yes, it was my 'size') and after getting it over my head and the girls secured I had to try and reach behind my back and hook it all up. No other way to do it, Richard offered to help (of course he came bra shopping with me) but I can't ask some stranger at the gym to do me up everyday.
Funnier note... this bra (the one above) is tight. Last night I got trapped in it. I couldn't pull the fabric over my head and I couldn't sneak an arm out. Hmm... why did I buy this again??
I miss the gym. I need the gym. I can't wait to get to the gym and test this out... wish me luck.
First go herefor the GOOD and BAD news of the day... Are you all up to speed? Good, no need to repeat myself. So let's talk only about fitness... I went to the gym today, first time in a while. I had all the time in the world, as I am all caught up for the season (we're good through January 3rd). I went downstairs I signed in, I picked a locker, I unpacked my bag (happy to find ALL necessary items) and I got naked. At this naked point I realized the problem...
My expensive bra, had failed me (bras ALWAYS fail me). Not only we're TWO loops missing (not depicted in picture), but ALL THREE hooks we're no where to be found. Now even a man (not because of their lack of intelligence, but because they don't wear bras, I am generalizing here, but bare (bear?) with me) could work this out. I had no way of closing this bra and a bra left open is of NO use to this big breasted woman.
I need to go buy a bra. I hate buying bras.
I wanted to run, I promise. This is not an excuse... it would hurt more than it would help to run with no bra.
Love!
Ps... and only for your enjoyment. I work as a creative writer and asked my fellow writers for Christmas-ish things. At first they gave me a list of trees (spruce, pine, douglas fir etc.) They then opted for pop culture references including Billy-Bob Thornton (?) and Macaulay Culkin. I decided to use the Home Alone reference, but while I was searching for a picture someone asked 'Where do reindeer poop go?' This became a heated debate before we all agreed, reindeer poop dissolves into wishes... brown smelly wishes. Happy Holidays!
Not much to report... I did walk to work today (and subway/GO train... it would be a very long walk), so that counts as exercise, right?
We also did a lot of walking last night... you see we went in search of a dining room table, as I've said before, I am hosting my very first Christmas dinner this year and I don't have somewhere for 8 people to sit comfortably, although it will probably be 6 based on the current family (mother-in-law VS. me) which is fine by me, but still leaves us 2 seats short. Now don't think, that I think throwing money at the problem (ie.new table) is my answer to everything. We do in fact, need a new table and saw a really wicked price on one (5 piece for 399, good deal).
Our current table is, although awesome, a hand me down that is FULL of dents and scratches, the chairs are falling apart and I fear, almost daily, that I will sink through the seat into the deep abyss of nothing. So, with Boxing day flyer's in hand we headed out to find a new table. First we went to the Brick... we looped the empty parking lot and stared at the dark building, wondering how it could possibly be closed at 5p on a Wednesday.
The open sign wasn't on and no one was moving around inside. We left. Unwilling to accept this fate I called The Brick while on the way to Leons. They answered and told me 'Yes, they were open til 9'. We whipped a 'shitty' (a U-turn) and headed back. Now if any of you have ever been to the Brick you know salesman stalk you and insist you need help even when you politely decline; tonight however, with cash in hand, NO ONE would talk to us. We went to customer service and they sent out a page for help... THREE TIMES before someone came over. The man that arrived was a timid older fellow who seemed completely terrified of interacting with us and trust me we are nice looking people (not as in good looking (although we are*blush*) but as in we look like nice people).
We told him what we were looking for and he wandering away muttering its here. We chased after him and said we couldn't find it (while we wandered again through their dining department). He said it was probably in the scratch and dent section... odd place for a flyer (and online) featured item, but fine. We zigzag through, trying to keep up with zippy.
Upon reaching the Scratch and dent section there is no table... and... better in story.
"Looks like we don't have it." He mumbled unable to make eye contact.
"But its in your flyer." Richard says, pointing to the picture.
"Yes, maybe that is just a floor model."
"And on your website." I chirp in with a smile... albeit an awkward smile.
"Oh well--"
"Can we order one?" I interrupt.
"Would you be comfortable ordering one from another store site on scene?" He trails off as he walks away from us.
Chasing after him and rolling my eyes at Richard I yell...
"Maybe, what does that mean?" He ignores me and continues at an alarming rate considering this age.
We finally give up pursuit and stand their dumb founded. We're not sure whether he is coming back or if he is in fact ordering the set for us. So we find a group of couches and sit. Just to gather our thoughts.
"What's going on?" I say. "We're getting ignored and I might as well be wearing a sign that reads 'I want to spend money on shit I don't need' and still nothing."
"I don't know, babe." He says laughing at me. "Let's get this couch too... its comfy."
"Maybe it isn't for sale. I do see it on the website." I say, scrolling through TheBrick.com on my iPhone. Before we can get a giggle out Zippy pops up.
"I don't see it on my service. Maybe it was just a one off. Sorry." And he is gone, before we can get a word out. Interesting Sales tactic... that's why Zippy works on Wednesday and not Saturday. I hope they pay him more than commission, the man is going to starve.
So I click the 'order by phone' button on theBrick.com, while sitting on a couch in the Brick getting completely ignored. And it rings... and rings... and rings. Really? When I am just browsing I am swarmed by annoying salesmen, but the day I go in to buy and no one wants to help me.
I jumped up, off the very comfy couch that I felt like buying, and walked out... almost as quick as Zippy, Richard trailed behind. All the way through the store I am still ignored and finally at the doors I turn back and mumble as loud as I can. 'I guess we'll have to furnish our living room and buy the TV at Leons'. A few reps hanging around the door look up, but no one tries to approach.
At Leons we faced the SAME thing... and left in the same fashion. I even said to Richard 'if ONE person says hello to me I will buy you a 60inch TV'. I said this in front of 3 salesmen in the TV section and still no one even looked up. We left empty handed and went home to our sinky little table and ate crackers and cheese for dinner (yes, I am that healthy).
No gym again today... the class is cancelled, but I am missing it for an afternoon holiday party.
Look. Its been a LONG day, but I am trying to do this everyday thing... So I drew a picture (On the home computer, which is a laptop and only has a finger-pad mouse thingy and I don't like it)... Its bad. Its stupid... I am stupid... I am also on a weird, always distracted, self induced ramble... I have had to re read this question 100x and still i don't know where my point keeps venturing off too, sometimes I think it is right there, within site and then I think about candy canes, because it is Christmas only I really want to eat them because Richard made me get cherry Candy Canes, which although being the right colour they don't taste right. They taste good... Mmm... I am now eating it and its good. Why did we start talking ABOUT candy canes? I am also watching a movie and getting further into my pit of what-was-i-talking-about-ness. Its dark. Although I have the tree on... remember the above tree with Candy Canes. I think I need another Candy cane... Mmm...
fitness. its good... I walked a lot today, but I had MAD munchies so it doesn't count and tomorrow I have to go tot he gym... hmpf ( this is my new favorite word, because Richard admitted every time I type it in a text he laughs... I like that.) run tomorrow. Yup.. there is the fitness... I will reread and edit this tomorrow.
Ok... so we don't have the bad news yet. Hopefully there is NO bad news to even discuss. As we know I headed to my favorite place in the whole wide world... the doctors office. This is where I sat for 2 hours waiting to get acknowledged. I hate waiting, but in my old age I have grown wise and brought a book to read... I got 12 chapters done, just to clarify the amount of almost wasted time.
Any who... I got into the office, just for a 'check-up', but I brought a laundry list of symptoms and ailments to discuss. I only venture to the doctor every couple of years... over my time away I put together a list of all the things that I want to discuss so I don't forget (one the list - bad memory, ironic). Then I sit in the cramped little office and tell my doctor of 17 years what I want to know.
This visit had a VERY long list, because I am in baby prep mode and want to work out all the little kinks early so making a baby is not only fun, but effective *cheesy 1950s smile* and maybe *swiping thumbs up*.
Cut to the chase you're all begging... 'WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?' Relax, I am getting there.
The main reason I went to this appointment was a sneaking suspicion my Hypothyroidism is acting up, my doctor confirmed my suspicions and sent me on a journey of tests and treatments. I have blood tests, X-rays, Ultrasounds and a breathing test, just for fun. We think the goiter is back and if you've been a long time subscriber you'll know that a goiter is what started this whole mess 2 years ago.
*I just went back and read my original entry to the blogging world and no I didn't explain that I had a goiter or that it started everything. I also didn't explain what a goiter is... Oops. A goiter is a growth (or swelling) in the throat it is typically a result of an underactive thyroid that has swelled in size trying to keep up with the workload. Its treatable, but not curable... much like Hypothyroidism. I think Home Improvement best explained it in 1996... Enjoy!
Back on track... So I have this thing in my throat again and we need to work out what it is, probably another goiter which can be sorted out with an adjustment to my thyroid meds. I also went in for shortness of breath (which is unrelated) and I am scheduled for a breathing test AFTER a chest X-ray... nothing serious, but worth resolving before baby. You can almost hear my biological clock ticking in these words.
Whewf... this post grew into something long and rambly... sorry.
Funnily enough though this appointment forced me to make an appointment at the blood donor clinic... to be a good person --- you know there is more. I asked my doctor for my blood type; with my Dad's recent diagnosis I know he will need blood and he is a rare blood type (O-) I think. I want to know my blood type to make sure I can help. My doctor told me... wait this is better in story telling land.
"My Dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and I want to know my blood type to be able to help him." I leaned in waiting for the traditional 'I'm sorry'.
"Then donate blood and they will tell you." He said without looking up from the keyboard.
"I've never donated blood, needles scare me." I added an awkward laugh.
"Its an expensive test and I am not running it for no reason."
"The reason is I want to know."
"Then donate." He smiled and looked at me. "If you're not a match, then where will your Dad get the blood he needs from?" He dramatically pauses.
"From a blood donor clinic" I reluctantly reply.
"Then donate be a good person."
"I am a good person."
"Be a better person." He laughs "I have donated 80 times."
"A better person doesn't brag about his good deeds."
"Donate" And he closed up and walked out.
Hmpf. When did my doctor become such a preacher... granted, he is right, but I just wanted a simple answer to my simple question. So on Thursday (tomorrow) I am taking Richard with me to donate blood. Go me... forced or not its a good deed.
Ok... I'm done. I have a pile of work to do and despite my sore neck I intend on running this afternoon... 32 minutes of straight run and then 6 minutes of intervals... I get tired just typing it.
Oh yea and on the fitness/weight loss front... nothing to report, although I think my scale is broken... not in a Ah-its-going-up-it-must-be-broken kind of way, but a it-made-a-weird-sound-and-wont-read-anymore kind of way. In fact, just this morning I was up 24 pounds... so I think it is broken.
Ok... I am really leaving this time... enjoy Home Improvement... you're on your own for part 2 & 3.
I am not sick... actually let's re-phrase with 'I am not sick enough to write a one sentence post about being sick' thats more accurate.
I was linking previous posts and clicked the wrong button without realizing until later... Oops. Sorry if I caused concern and I will promptly return the chicken noodle soup delivered lovingly to my door... Kidding! I am not returning anything.
As for today... its a whole new day. I am having a terrible, no good, very bad day. I woke up 4 times through the night; the first was because Richard fell asleep with the TV on... on wrestling. The Big guy was in the middle of yelling at the bigger guy and it all seeped into my dreams. I woke up angry and confused, slapped Richard (unintentionally) and made him turn the TV off. All of this was even more awkward, because of how sore every fiber of my being was/is. Why am I so sore you ask. I decided to run. Outside. In November. In Canada. I have this running schedule that hangs over my head and in sharing it with Richard he lays a mighty fine guilt trip when I make excuses. Its good and motivating, but sad and depressing when I am running in the dark to meet my goal. I did a 45minute run and ran just over 6k... go me! I came home with a runny nose and every part of my body ached... see my previous post in regards to the stairs that I faced to get out of the rain and into my warm house.
Wait... where was I? Right, today sucks. So not only am I tired, from being woken up (a second time involved a vivid dream about my teenage children) but while styling my mane (see picture) I through my neck out... at least that is what I think I did, because I have never done it before I can't be sure. As of right now I can't turn my head or accurately navigate my left arm without pain. On top of all that it is raining and oh yea, I fell down the stairs. Hmpf. Its really the only word to correctly grasp this kind of day. Hmpf.
Ironic though... all these things go wrong on the day I have a doctors' appointment... my first in 13 months. He's going to cringe as I shake out my laundry list of ailments for him to work out. The most important will be my Hypo symptoms... followed quickly by my neck pain. I think that testing will involve blood work too... so my very bad day will be complete with a needle. Hmpf.
I hope you enjoyed my pain... it almost makes it all worth it.
Whewf! I made it... at the very least Richard survived the entire ordeal.
I have a final appointment tonight to see just what it all means and I hope, for my doctors sake, I am not allergic to gluten. I miss bread SO much!
As for the Richard reference... I am lucky to have someone SO understanding.
Day FOUR... started like any other day, but after 4 hours of traffic and a never depleting inbox I was ready to explode on any creature that dared to cross my path. I came home looking for a fight... This is where I have to admit, Richard and I don't fight, but tonight I would make it happen.
He sat casually on the bed... simply playing Call of Duty. At first I said nothing, daring him to ask about my day, but he didn't. He was engulfed in his game, which made things worse. Why wasn't he paying attention to me? I barked at him about ignoring me. Than I barked about his response and when he wouldn't respond I yelled at him for not communicating with me. He sat and smiled as I ranted about everything in my life. I went on to explain I hated my life. I hated every detail of our life and honesty I was ready to walk in front of a bus. I am screaming at this point and still he says nothing. Finally, I told him he didn't love me and stormed out.
After he had fallen asleep I climbed into bed. Our first night without a goodnight kiss and cuddle. I still had steam coming out of my ears over his lack of enthusiasm during our fight.
Day FIVE... after the post was even worse. I wanted a cookie so badly I scoured the Internet for something I could make at home. It couldn't contain wheat, diary or sugar. A daring feat, but after hours of crying at my computer begging for a break I found a vegan recipe that just might work. I had also cried to my follow detoxer Cheryl about being SO HUNGRY. She suggested Rice noodles and Pesto. I hate pasta, but I was desperate. I sent a text to Richard trying to exude excitement about my cookie recipe. His replied described how he was enjoying an Oreo. I was still sucking up after Day FOUR and didn't reply the way I wanted to... instead I cried. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and spent $50 on specialty crap I needed to make these vegan cookies and this detox friendly dinner. They didn't have regular rice noodle so I got vermicelli noodles. They didn't have any fresh chicken so I go frozen chicken breast... and so on.
I came home ready to try out my new recipes... full of excitement over my new found treasures.
My cookies came out resembling cow pattys... only grosser.
My noodles had balled together, because you don't cook rice noodles the same as REAL noodles. My frozen chicken breast resembled a sponge when it was cooked and after dousing it all in pesto I realized this particular brand of pesto was made with cheese... I can't EAT cheese.
I threw out my cookies after demanding my mother in law taste them and calling her liar when she said they weren't THAT bad.
I marched upstairs to an awaiting Richard with my green ball of goo and sponge chicken. I didn't even make it into the room before I started weeping... uncontrollably. I couldn't be consoled. I couldn't catch my breath. I tried to explain the horror of my day, but Richard couldn't understand me and honestly he didn't hide his laughter all that well. I was a mess. He finally let me sit on his lap and there I sat crying for the next couple hours, before I finally fell asleep with an empty stomach.
This is why I hate detox... this is also why Richard is questioning going through pregnancy with me... poor guy didn't even see it coming.
I am almost done... it all comes to a close tonight and even though I know its going to make me sick... I am eating Oreo ice cream when I get home.
Wish me luck!
I skipped dinner last night in protest... I can't eat a plain chicken breast again. I hate this.
I am sick of everything... I can ever just grab a snack, everything takes hours to prepare and I am hungry ALL the TIME! I can't stop thinking about cookies and I hate that I can't have them.
What happens at the end of this? Do I just go back to eating what I want minus the gluten? This sucks.
Today I am angry and I DARE you to ask where DAY FOUR went.
I think I have peaked on the sugar withdrawal. I have the shakes, I have been sweating ALL day and I am angry at the world. I nearly took on a transport truck on, on the way to work, because he was in my way. I should remind you I drive a hatchback.
My head is throbbing and my patience are virtually NON-existent!
I hate how I feel today and all i want to do today is crawl into bed, alone and undisturbed. I know I will pick a fight with my fiance tonight they may result in my loss of a fiance. Granted all the topics are valid, but I am sure today I lack a thing called 'tact'.
Thank GOD my mother in law to be is out of the house this evening... I can't be held responsible for my actions and all I want right now is CHOCOLATE! I want it and I want it BAD!
I went down to the gym to try and get rid of this bad energy, but I just found myself angry with the stupid cow on the machine beside me. If you are NOT going to do it RIGHT. Get off the machine!!!!!
There aren't enough exclamation marks to make my point.
ARGH!!!!!
This is NOT what I signed up for... I hate my life.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I'm not losing weight... so I am NOT writing a blog.
Wow!! Angela is ridiculous... no one could keep up - NO ONE!
I felt good... my legs worked harder than I thought they could and I think I am finally getting the hang of it.
Although my body is revolting against me... this week I didn't lose anything and I gained everything back from last week. WHAT THE F?!?! I don't know... I stayed under my daily calories, I went to the gym, I took my vitamins, slept 8 hours a night and drank incredible amounts of water. I just don't get it and its disheartening... I just want to get fit. I just want it to work.
I am not sure what part of my new routine is causing the upset, but I wish it would just be simple.
I am hoping to get to a naturopath next week.... maybe they can shed some light on my issues.
Have a great weekend... I won't be back tomorrow. I will be in the great white north battling moose.
