The messy PART TWO: I hate my life.

I hate my life. I hate Walter. I hate my body. I hate... this. I am SO angry with myself (not for the chocolate incident). I am so sick of being in a body that DOESN'T work! I hate that I place all the value of myself on what the scale says. I hate that I have NO motivation to do anything today. I hate being tired. All. The. Time. I hate the way I look, when things don't function properly. I hate my hair, my skin and my feet (the foot thing is unrelated, but I hate it).

I feel like I am working SO hard. I feel like I am giving up everything, sacrificing things that make me happy (re: chocolate) for what? I had 4 Hershey Kisses yesterday (maybe it was 5, do you WANT to argue with me right now?!) and I gained 1.5 pounds. I feel disgusting and defeated. Even with that splurge my calorie intake was 1553ish. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! How can a woman of my size eat 1550 healthy (minus the chocolate) calories and GAIN WEIGHT?! Answer... a defunct thyroid and a messy treatment that creates a 'Walter' and resolves nothing. OK, that's not fair... the treatment MAY be working, by causing an uproar BEFORE flushing everything out, but how am I suppose to know that??? I am afraid to keep going and afraid to stop.

Walter is getting fat, (fitting since he is a part of my body). He traps air in my throat and makes me burp. I feel congested and like I have something stuck right there under my apple. Hmpf.

I am just ready for something to work. I am ready for anything to work. I would stand on my head for a week if someone told me it would fix this. I am caught in a HUGE mood swing, I want to cry. I am so burned out. It has been 3 years of the same... make a goal, strive daily to hit the goal, work too hard at the gym, eat nothing and get nowhere... at what point do I say 'F it' and just accept that I am a full figured women with flabby arms?!? I want to be ok with my body more than I want babies (and that is A LOT). I want to feel normal, successful and healthy. I don't want to fear every calorie or treat. I don't want to live a life of restriction forever. Imagine the joy and pleasure I am going to miss out on, because I am so scared to make a mistake.

ARGH!

I hate my life.

No Love!

Pounds to lose: 21