Go Hard!

 I have this habit of jumping in full steam - I get in a groove and push myself. I want to do everything all the time. I want to be the girl that goes hard and loves it. 

Also - I love working out, I wish I could do it all the time. I love how I feel when I do it - like I am being the badass bitch I pretend to be. And you CAN NOT eat while working out - so that is a win too. Any activity that doesn't revolve around eating is something I enjoy. Have you ever thought about how involved food is in ALL the activities? Dates, Lunches, Coffee breaks - 99% of celebrations include cake. 

One of my goals was to find rewards that don't involve food, tougher than it looks. Even tougher during a global pandemic when you can't go anywhere - no spa days or floats, no shopping trips or adventures. 

BUT you still have to finish the habit loop (explained in link) - there has to be a reward associated with new habits or you won't back slide back into old habits. 

What happens when FOOD has always been your reward, the ice cream, the fancy Starbucks dinner, celebratory dinner. Why is it always about food?

Why am I always about food? Have you noticed? Ever blog gets sucked into some sort of issue I am having with food, regardless of my intent. This blog was a workout blog - a shout out to my coach and the killer workout I survived. 

Even that is food related - no one wants to see my sweaty face after doing 45-minutes of squats and lunges, red and cursing, smiling. BUT the world loves a good food post, with the right lighting the right placement. Just search #foodie on any social media app and *drool* its incredibly delicious.

Also - I write these in the morning with a rumbling belly present. 

An experiment would be to post AFTER lunch.

Focus; the workout last night was spectacular. Squats in every variety (split, curtesy, pulse, jump, drop, front and loaded)  and lunges. I cursed through the entire thing, my legs screamed. So much so that on my evening walk (my reward, a few quiet minutes alone with my favourite podcast), I got to the end of the block and had to negotiate every step coming home. It was 1km - it was 18 minutes and it was all I could do before negotiating the stairs into my home.

Update; I made it up the stairs and today it hurts to get up from the toilet. I love it!

Lunch time! (and back to food)

I don't even know when I am hungry

 Can anyone relate? I don't even know when I am hungry - my body's clues aren't obvious to me. 

I woke up this morning and shifted my affirmations around making better choices - choices that fuel this machine. Choices that make me feel good. I keep making the deliciously wrong choices, because they're easy -- and delicious. I keep thinking 'just this once' for the 100th time in a day. 

I get cravings for things -- but not hungry for things. I get a taste in my mouth and I must find that taste or it consumes my every thought. On the flip side, if I can't taste something I can't eat anything, because nothing will be right. Does anyone else 'taste' something before they eat it? I don't mean dip your finger in, grab a taste, but mentally conjure the taste in your mouth. 

OR is this my super power?? 

Or am I the only one that puts this much thought into everything they consume? Welcome to the mind of a girl with ED! 

Back to the conundrum - am I hungry? Or is it just routine? And what am I hungry for? 

I could kill a row of Oreo's but that's not going to make me feel good.  The ketchup chips on the table are calling my name! I am trying to make myself want something healthy -- but I am so upside down and backwards about what is allowed. Why? I did one of those useless 'intolerance' tests, where they tell you all the things you 'react' to so you try to avoid them. 

This sounds like a great idea - however, it added to my complicated relationship with food. It make good foods feel unsafe (nuts, I react to ALL nuts and EGGS, my safest read: quickest snack) - it made me over think everything I consume and challenge my needs to be 'good'. 

ED rule #1 - there are no good or bad foods, BUT society and tests tell you constantly that there are good and bad foods - but my test told me good foods are bad. And bad foods are ok - Chips are gluten free, which makes them 'good', but they are not good. Argh. It's all too much.

Now I AM HUNGRY. I am sure I am hungry - but anything I eat will spiral out of control and ruin my day. So I don't want to eat, but that is a whole different problem. 

Life is hard - getting healthy is confusing. 

I settled on Cucumber and Turkey rolls with hot sauce. It's hitting the spots and I feel good about it. 

What's your snack today? Did you taste it BEFORE you made it? 

Outdoor Classes

 As the pandemic drags on in Ontario, Stage one is starting this week. We've had stages, colours, steps -- all fancy words for lockdown in varying degrees. No one is really locked down - its just some peoples excuse to avoid social commitments. It's not so bad - as much as I complain the thought of exiting lockdown is terrifying. I am not sure I know how to interact with people anymore, friends, family, co-workers. 

Focus that's not why we're here. 

I am easily distracted from the direction of each post. I always start with the title so I can refer back to where I was going. 

Then I get distracted again and have to find my way back - this time I stopped, saved and went back to my last post -- trying to recreate a good day. I have my smoothie and supplements at the ready - I need to meditate, but that will have to be later. 

Outdoor Classes - there it is. So, stage one welcomes outdoor fitness classes and I am having the great debate, can I work out around other humans? Do I want to? 

I do need to add cardio to my routine and it would be nice to be on schedule, but -- no but, I should do it. I will do it and I'll tell you all about it. 

Did you experience the rollercoaster of emotions that was? Did I articulate that well? 

Weeeeee!