Laugh with me!

Happy Monday!

I am going to try and add a 'funny' every Monday... no matter how crummy or cranky I am feeling.

Love!

Nope.

Fibre and I... DO NOT GET ALONG.

That's the only thing I can figure attributed to my 5 pound gain this week, that is a gain from my 'time of the month' weigh in last week, which is always up because of water and womanly things.

I have been bloated and uncomfortable all week... and if we're getting personal.. I am gassy, out of every end. The sneaky burps are the worst! Two days ago I actually burped in Richard's face when he leaned in for a kiss. I had no warning (of the burp, not the kiss) I felt terrible.

The only thing I changed this week (compared to the last few, where I haven't lost, but I haven't gained) is my morning protein shake (Vega Chocolate high fibre) and Fibre one bars. I can't think of anything else that is different. Granted my diet hasn't been overly healthy, but nothing our of the ordinary... and all good foods, aside from the regular chocolate treat :).

I am going to leave the Fibre enhancers at home next week and see if I feel any better.

It could be something completely unrelated... I have been congested the past few days, with an uneasy stomach, terrible acne and random nose bleeds. Let's hope its the fibre... Hmmm...

Oh and I AM NOT PREGNANT... everyone seems to jump to that conclusion with every queasy moment.

Whewf.

Wish me luck...

Love!

Is it true?

Do you have to be a tortured soul to be a good writer? Or to write something worth reading? My best work is when I have been the least interested in life, when dark thoughts have invaded my 'inner subconscious' (redundant?)

I fall back on my writing as an escape... the worse I feel the better the words fall together.

I have also realized that all of my favorite bloggers struggle in some form with a personality disorder, most of which I suffer from, but refuse to let show. I know it is not a choice to be depressed or anxious, but having been clinically diagnosed with both, I fight daily to avoid succumbing to the pressure they put on me, both physically and emotionally... there are weeks when I hate my life, myself and my job.

Is it real maturity when I recognize why I suddenly have a lack luster approach to life? Why nothing seems worth it and I am tired all the time? I know why, but I hate to admit it... I find security in knowing great writers (whom I love) fight the same battles, but why can't writing be something beautiful, magical and amazing? Why do these words have to come from a dark and scary place?

Granted... I am sweetening every syllable from how I am really feeling today. I am dreading the end of day bell, because going home seems so much worse than sitting here.

This all came forward when I intentionally missed my spin class... my favorite class of the week. I watched the minutes disappear and did everything in my power to be 'too busy' to go. I hate myself for it, but the satisfaction of doing the class couldn't compete with the shear pain of considering the class.

What is wrong with me? How do I fix? Where do I find the motivation to make change? Hmpf.

Fibre is working... I'm tired, but its working.

Love?

FIBRE!

That's the newest plan.

Ok... so I am still at the gym. I am still working hard and leaving everything on the floor, but I am just simply maintaining, because my diet has been SO terrible... all the late night plans and quick meals have added to the plateau.

I recently read that a diet high in fibre was great for continued weight loss. I checked my fibre (on my little Loseit! app) and I don't eat enough. Now don't laugh, but I always thought Fibre came from grains... I would eat bread and smooth the guilt by saying 'I need the fibre'. That's not the case... consider your mind BLOWN. Fibre comes from fruits and veggies or so I understand.

I have started taking a protein shake for breakfast with an increased fibre level as well as daily 'Fibre One' bars to try and 'move things along'. We'll see how it goes. I have also committed to eating healthy. Richard is going to make dinner from here on out to prevent skipped meals and late dinner... especially with bootcamp in the evenings.

I hope it all works out... I love me, but I would love to be a better me by July 1.

Love!

I haven't really felt like blogging.

But I am not going to apologize, because I do that a lot.

Wedding planning is in FULL gear and I find it monopolizes A LOT of my time. I do make it to the gym (or something similar) 8 times a week, but no I haven't lost anything. My diet is crummy right now... with Richard unemployed we're not dropping a lot on grocery and we're trying to clear out the cupboards before we do, but that means a lot of canned and frozen foods have made their way into my diet... not to mention my laziness when it comes to cooking. I have no passion or excitement for the kitchen, honestly I am not hungry enough to want to put forth any effort when I get home. I work an 8 hour day, spend an hour at the gym and than commute 3 hours (round trip). I am not making excuses just explaining where I am coming from.

This past weekend complicated things with stores being closed, Easter and my birthday... which meant no groceries (ie. no fruits or veggies) and a lot of chocolate and cake, although very little alcohol. And to be proud of me... I did wake up the morning of my birthday and go for a 7k run... yes it was meant to be a 3k light run, but I got lost... which has NEVER happen before. Worth the extra burnt calories for the cake I had for breakfast... I just can't be trusted around cake.

As for fitness... where am I in my latest venture? Disappointed. Sadly. From a previous post you know I signed up for Bootcamp and a personal trainer. I scheduled 5 intense weeks and was VERY excited. Fitness is where all this weight loss started and I love it. I was excited to see the results, work up a sweat and be proud of what I am doing again. Let's just say THAT isn't happening and its depressing.

First... I can't completely pass the blame. I haven't been myself lately. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I don't enjoy things I used to and I've been a bit of bitch to everyone around (sorry). I still go to the classes the gym and the runs, but my hearts not in it and you can tell.

Second... My trainer won't make time for me. The person I am PAYING to spend time with me... doesn't have time for me. How is that for your psyche? It's frustrating to no end... I have always had a problem with feeling like an 'obligation' to people around me and I struggle to find the worth in my time, but than to PAY someone and they still don't have time for you is sad.

I will explain his point of view in a minute, but its my blog and I get to go first. When I met with John for a consultation we spent an hour talking and 30minutes exercising. We talked about my goals and how HE would get me there. He would be my person. After the workout I handed him my card (visa) and said 'I need this, I need you. Sign me up'. I had originally intended just to sign up for Bootcamp (which was all I could afford), but was so THRILLED with the work out he provided I blew the budget and signed up. At the time he should have told me he didn't have time to take on someone new, but he didn't, he simply swiped my card and smiled (naive of me, I know). My first week I went to TWO bootcamps, the first was disappointing (see previous post) we did a lot of heavy weights; the second was better we jumped all over the place, did lots of different moves, I sweat and I was sore the next day, but on my third visit, to the gym on the other side of Burlington that is a PITA to get to, I was suppose to meet with John for my first session. He was with someone else... confused I hopped on the treadmill and waited. After a few minutes Kristen (a young trainer) came over and explained she would be working with me instead of John. I was a little put off, but fine I bet she is great. We worked for 30minutes with a 5lb ball... it was boring and easy. I was disappointed, but thought the next week would be better. Next week rolls around and John cancels with me again claiming something better to do (I'm paraphrasing). Its frustrating, because I only signed up for personal training to work with HIM not a lacky that doesn't know how to work up a sweat.

After the second failed attempt I canceled my Personal Training (and my hope of succeeding) and exchanged them for BootCamps. I don't really want to go back to the gym at all, but I paid for it so I am going to use it all.

As for his side of the story... he is the owner/operator and things come up (I'm not bias... lol).

So its Thursday... I am going to hit the gym with Anna for a Step class and than I am going to go home, eat a burger and watch my TV until it feels better.

I can't wait for it all to be over (Wedding and Stag & Doe... and bootcamp) and I can go back to life...

Love!

Boot Camp - Day 1

Yes, it is time for another 'day 1'. I feel like I have had a lot of these on this path. I need a beginning to have an end and I needed something to push me into doing this. I know I will be mad at the wedding if I know I didn't try to lose the weight and get in shape. Granted, I won't be perfect... but trying makes it OK to fail. I am putting all I have into this and I will be happy with whatever comes out of it.

I hope.

So I went to Boot Camp and how was it? different. I am sore today, which is good but it wasn't the experience I expected. I remember Boot Camp with Carrie and it was this intense hour of cardio, strength and endurance. This wasn't that.

Carrie's camp was designed for women that wanted to lose weight... ie. cardio.

John's camp is designed for men that want to build muscle... ie. weights.

I am not sure how I feel about it all yet. I am just glad I ran my 5k Monday at lunch, which partnered well with a heavy strength Boot Camp.

Now the dirt... the gym was, as I explained before, 'a work in progress'. The people are amazing... Paul was our instructor and it just happen that John was beside me in class, great. The camp is inside within the 'gym' and I felt very exposed. The average gym-goer could stand and watch us work, which, as a newbie, was intimidating. All the equipment is provided (which I like) and the guidance is very hands on. Carrie was less about posture and more about sweat, where as John is more about posture, I like the guidance to know I am getting the most out of my work out and not straining anything (that shouldn't be strained).

Then we worked... no warm up, no laps, no jumping jacks just straight into the weights. Now that I know the format I will come early and hop on the treadmill for a quick run before camp. We did work with the ball and a step, weights and each other. It felt competitive but motivating. I wanted to keep up with everyone else, which proved to be a challenge... I was the only fattie in the camp... everyone one else was tight and toned (and struggle just as much as me... go me!).

I didn't leave breathless and covered in sweat, but I left satisfied. I will go back but more because I paid for it and less because I enjoyed it.

I am hoping Wednesday's camp is a bit more exciting.

I have spinning today... so we'll see how that goes with my tired legs.

I think my routine works now... I have cardio here, at my gym (at work), I have arms/strength in boot camp and I have abs and back with personal training... if this doesn't work to kick start my weight loss I don't know what will.

Wish me continued luck!
Love!