The feeling --

 -- of being SO full. That's the best way to describe it. 

When you sit down to eat a turkey diner with all the fixings, but it's Thanksgiving so you've already been eating all the apps, wine and water - to try and make it all better. So you sit down to the feast, you want to eat and most of it has healthy options. You jump in, because this only happens a few times a year (3 in Canada -- Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas), you eat and eat and discuss how full you are, but keep eating. 

Then at 7pm -- hours after dinner has been consumed and cleared away -- your body feels big, full. That's the feeling. That's the feeling all day with Saxenda. It feels as if you are stuffed to the brim and the burps and burn is something to get used too. 

And yet -- at this point (1:38pm on a Tuesday) I haven't eaten. I haven't had the urge, I feel full and uncomfortable. I've drank a gallon of water and a kombucha. 

I know I need to eat something, but the thought of putting 'more' into this body right now - *barf*

It's hot and I am uncomfortable. I am in good spirits though - the scale is in continuous decline (yay), but I hope this side effect quits soon. I am so full. 

The so-full does help with the snacking, I just don't have space or time. 

So that's the update -- I am empty and full all at the same time. 

Hmmm.... 

Saxenda - Update

 Good Morning!

I am have way through the first week of my Saxenda and it's going well - I think. I have a before  picture, but I am saving that embarrassment for when I have a good after/during photo. It's no surprise I don't love my before -- I had behind black and baggy clothes. 

First - the injections, I thought this would be tricky - I do need to psyche myself up a little bit, but it's going well. The pen fascinates me, it is used for multiple injections - I just swap out the needle head, click my dose (0.6mg the first week). I have found my favourite spot - the fupa. I move around my lower belly, changing positions every day. It doesn't even hurt (although I did try my thigh and I didn't like it). 

Second - the feeling, I am not sure I feel different, but I do. I don't even know how to explain it - I feel full, but in the uncomfortable bloated way. I hope that subsides as my body adjusts, but truth is it stops me from snacking through the evening because I am full. I had a headache through the first 3 days, but that could have been the weather, a rainy heat wave. 

Third - the scale, it's going down consistently. I am hesitant to get excited about the loss, could be water weight or a wonky scale. I will do an official weigh in on Saturday when I up my dose. 

Fourth - side affects, I am so tired. I haven't hit my workouts at all this week. I am drained by the time I get to the end of the day and have been sound asleep by 8pm. And the heartburn -- it's like I am pregnant and I just swallowed a fire. I am not used to that, but it's manageable. I would stand on my head if it would work.

Fifth - the mental side, I still haven't broadcasted my use of Saxenda, it still feels silly that I need this kind of help. I haven't fixated on food or volume - I just eat good food when I am hungry and that seems to work. I don't feel as anxious at mealtime as I typically do and I am not counting every calorie.

So that's it -- I think it is a positive review so far. I wish I had hit more workouts, but I am ok with sitting out this week. Everything opens back up next week - then I will book my OTF classes in the evenings I don't have strength training. I'll see if that helps. 

Until then - stay healthy!

Here we go!

I spoke with my NP yesterday and set the plan in motion. 

I start with Saxenda on Sunday, I've read as much as I can about it and I am excited to be one of the success stories (fingers and toes are crossed it works for me). I dove into the side effects and complications as well - I feel good about this. I also got on the wait list for a consultation with the bariatric team - I don't think I want to go through with the surgery, but I have enough questions I want answers too. 

Yet - I am not telling anyone, I am not shouting from the rooftops that I need this kind of support. I am quietly being excited and only telling a handful of people. Maybe after it works I will tell people, but it feels shameful to need help. 

So here is the plan -- there is always a plan. 12 weeks on Saxenda with a growing dose week by week. At the end of it, I have to have lost 5% of my total body weight - or more. If yes, I can choose to continue. If no - we stop, because it is not working. 

I have a spreadsheet and everything -- I keep everything else the same, workouts, water and whole foods, just add a little poke every morning. 

Wish me luck! I will keep an updated journal here - I can tell you're excited. 

Love!

Melanie

I don't know

 I don't always know what to write. 

I feel like I have nothing to offer somedays - especially the days when I am failing myself. The days I have given up and don't care. The days when I look and feel like poop. And I feel like poop because I am not taking care of myself, but I don't have the energy to put in the work. 

I wish it wasn't work - I have tried the tiny habits, but even those seem like too much effort  - I have the time but I am tired. And then I am sad -- sad because I know I can be better. 

I'm sad because even this 'no effort' is doing the same thing -- which hurts my head. I can't lose weight, I continuously gain and I recognize its not about the number on the scale, but nothing else is changing either. And then I fall off - lazy, eating machine and the same things happens. The number still goes up, I still feel crummy. So with or without effort it sucks -- so WHAT IS THE POINT??

And then I have a few down days, I dust myself off and go back at it again. Maybe I don't know what I am doing -- because here I sit typing away and spewing all over the keyboard and I still don't know what to do next. I am drinking a tea and worried about the need to eat. 

I have anxiety about eating -- all the time. 

Argh. 

Hormones!

What is the difference between an enzymes and hormones? 

Answer: You can't hear an enzyme. 

Think it - say it out loud - laugh with me! 

Hormones ruin everything - Mother Nature rolls in and upsets the apple cart. The cravings are uncontrollable, my head is pounding for a week straight, my insides are turned inside out and my body is full - bloated and miserable. 

It sucks -- I am too exhausted to want to work out. Yes, not too exhausted to workout - too exhausted to WANT too. I don't want to do anything right, and then I feel even worse because I didn't do anything right. 

I know eating right and working out, drinking water and being mindful is good for me and makes me feel good BUT damn -- once I month I DON'T CARE. Then I feel worse and its the cycle. 

I am in the throws of it - I hope it doesn't last and I hope I can get back to where I need to be ASAP.

I need to find the time to meditate and settle my anxious brain.