I don't know

 I don't always know what to write. 

I feel like I have nothing to offer somedays - especially the days when I am failing myself. The days I have given up and don't care. The days when I look and feel like poop. And I feel like poop because I am not taking care of myself, but I don't have the energy to put in the work. 

I wish it wasn't work - I have tried the tiny habits, but even those seem like too much effort  - I have the time but I am tired. And then I am sad -- sad because I know I can be better. 

I'm sad because even this 'no effort' is doing the same thing -- which hurts my head. I can't lose weight, I continuously gain and I recognize its not about the number on the scale, but nothing else is changing either. And then I fall off - lazy, eating machine and the same things happens. The number still goes up, I still feel crummy. So with or without effort it sucks -- so WHAT IS THE POINT??

And then I have a few down days, I dust myself off and go back at it again. Maybe I don't know what I am doing -- because here I sit typing away and spewing all over the keyboard and I still don't know what to do next. I am drinking a tea and worried about the need to eat. 

I have anxiety about eating -- all the time. 

Argh.