The inevitable swing

Some days you have it all together, you feel grounded and secure. Happy and ready to be the best version of yourself. 

And somedays, you eat a sleeve of Oreo's and bark at your kids all day. 

It's balance. 

On low days - I just try to remember how I felt on the positive days. I try to connect the days, the feelings. 

Good day

• Got up with my alarm
• Washed my face 
• Weighed myself (down 3lbs)
• Made breakfast for the kiddos
• Drank ACV with honey and cinnamon
• Had a shake with avocado, spinach, zucchini and banana
• Took my handful of supplements
• Logged in to work
• Kept busy
• Set an alarm for hourly squats, stretches

Bad day

• Hit snooze 17 times (it was a good dream)
• Weighed myself (up 4lbs)
• Made breakfast for the kiddos
• Drank ACV with honey and cinnamon
• Ate breakfast, GF bagel, cucumbers and strawberries
• Logged in to work
• Had to find ways to keep busy
• Ate a sleeve of Oreos
• Barked at the kids
• Hate myself
• Turn off my squat alarm

I don't know how to turn it around -- I don't know how to feel empowered again. This is why I quit. I quit yesterday around 4pm, when the boys were wrestling for the 19th time - on my bed, aggressively, I lost it. I yelled, I hit the desk and I stormed out of my house. I decided I would not work out, I would not walk or eat dinner. I was out of my window, my brain was popping; a term coined to explain when we are overwhelmed and  angry. 

I sat outside for a minute. I decided I could still turn it around, I decided I need to work-out and even though I was late I had a great class. I couldn't go for a walk because of an impending storm and my parental duties, so I paced the backyard until I hit a km and called it a small win. 

I went to bed feeling good -- I woke up feeling bad, anxious, angry, annoyed. 

Argh. 

Today is bad day -- so far, maybe I will turn it around. 

My People

While I was away I accumulated people, experts to help me grow. This woman is not an island and the pandemic may have taken away my friends, but it only grew my 'essential' self help gurus. 

Everyone has a different view and area of expertise; 

I met Tara, who is a health coach and incredible human being. I spent 12-weeks working with her on my diet and hormone imbalances. (Click the link - Best joke. Related I promise.) She taught me more about food than I thought existed. She shared recipes and tricks for my gut health. We ended our 12-weeks with the intent on continuing, but I wanted to master everything I learned before I started round 2. And I failed her - I still use a lot of her recipes and I hear her voice in my head when I am having a bad day, with the guiding words to turn it around, but I can do better. 

I met Rod, he is a coach and trainer. He is a rockstar and too cool for me. He was running the bootcamp/boxing gym I found pre-pandemic and when everything switched to online, he built a community of fit as fudge humans to support each other. He is all about supporting the body and although he loves burpees and tabata, most of his classes are more about building strength, which I love. 

I re-engaged with Meghan, my NP. She has helped me with every lab test and study. She works out of my GPs office, but never once made me feel bad about not feeling good (as most GPs do - eat less move more, bla bla bla) Megan listens and helps me with the OHIP stuff. I get regular tests for my thyroid and she supports my decision to take an elevated Synthroid dose because that is what makes me feel good. She his Health as F*ck and introduced me to Oonagh. 

I started with Karen a Naturopath with hormone and thyroid experience. She is helping me heal my gut with supplementation and finding new ways to challenge my system. She is a strong believer in healing Hashimoto with proper gut health (yes - please!). 

And finally my dream team of therapists; Tracy is a psychotherapist who works with Richard and I on our communication. She challenges us to grow together and gives us the tools to be us - different but together. She joined our relationship when we were at our lowest and has built us up to be incredible humans. 

And my favourite person of all time; Carolyn. She is my twin flame, my future self. She is a social worker I met through Tracy and she is the only reason I have survived all of this. She believes in me and has shown me kindness and more acceptance I have never experienced. She single handedly showed me I am deserving of love and that I am not just one thing, but a collection of parts all there to protect me. She taught (and is still teaching me) how to have patience with myself, how to interact with the worst parts of me and how to be more gentle to everyone I encounter. 

These people have helped shape me throughout the pandemic and I owe my life to them. 

If you are debated reaching out and getting support - this is your sign that you can, you should. Therapy in all these different ways has helped me get to know myself. 

Find your people - find your tribe and than learn and grow from them. 

Love!

Melanie

What a time I've had...

 ... things have been rough.

Good news - not everything has changed. I still can't draw hands and I am still rocking the same ratty black tank top. Everything else is different.

First - I am living through a global pandemic. At least it started global - now its just Ontario who has been in perpetual lockdown for 1000 months (since March 2020). None of us know what that means - everything is open (basically) and you can still go to work, but the kids can't go to school. Basically Ontario lockdown means all the fun stuff is COMPLETELY UNSAFE. I am vaccinated, Richard is vaccinated and we're doing our best -- not to kill each other. 

Second - I found Tik Tok. Blogging isn't cool anymore, but Tik Tok doesn't care if I am good writer, it just wants me to dance. I can't dance. 

Third - I have an intimate relationship with my therapist. I'm working to heal all that inner trauma so the beauty queen that I am can shine through. It's a process. 

Fourth - I have gained and lost and gained the same 75 pounds since you last heard from me. I have never stopped trying, but life and being a grown up is hard. 

Fifth - My kids are full grown humans now (5&7) and it's time to get back to the fun of being me. I used to be so cool, then I stressed about kids and diaper creams, sleep training and proper diet that I became angry and boring. Not anymore my friend - NOT. ANY. MORE.

So where am I in my fitness-esque journey? 

I switched jobs again (on that note, I do change jobs a lot but I don't believe we should ever settle and although I loved the clinic, I needed more). The ONLY perk to the pandemic is the remote option for everything. I now work from home and sit my juicy booty at a desk for 8 hours a day. That's a lot of sitting and it makes it super easy to be lazy, to sit and eat all day. On a lazy day I can get from wake-up to bedtime in under 2500 steps. 

I have to make every effort to move. I set an alarm for every hour and when it dings I get up - squats, twists, presses (sometimes even with weights). Then I restart the timer and get back to work. It's not much - it's not enough, but it keeps my thunder thighs from storming. 

I am trying to shift my habit to include a walk every evening -- but life is just wearing me out and that is usually only a few times a week. I tried morning work-outs, but I love sleep and found I don't put in enough effort in the AM workouts. 

On the remote pandemic train my gym switched to virtual work-outs. Which I thought I hated, but have recently fallen in love. It's predominately weight lifting, which fits more with the me I want to be than cardio ever did. I still want to be a coach/trainer, but I am working on myself as my first client. 

R.O.D. is the coolest human I know, he ran a gym before the shutdown and it was amazing. Sadly they couldn't keep a float during the pandemic and he found his groove in an online forum. It's spectacular somehow he created a community with all of us at home. The workouts (and play lists) are killer and I look forward to it everyday. I just wish there was more -- it's only one class a day. 

I do need to invest in heavier weights because I am a strong bitch that outgrew her 10s. Yasss Queen!

Breath in the good shit, Breath our the Bullshit.

That's my segue to meditation - I am a meditator. The more research I did on weight loss, will power health and habits -- it all came down to mediation. Being able to calm your brain and do what is needed is a game changer, not to mention the benefits as you age (it's another tool in my tool box to age gracefully and remain strong and independent).

And affirmations  - I am strong, I am capable, I am loved and I am a bad bitch. We recite these things out loud and often. Zac (5 and awesome) does this beautifully. 

My goal in life is to be happy - at any weight, at any point. That means I have dance breaks, I make bad jokes, I listen to my body. It means I am healing all the parts of me. 

That is what his blog as always been about -- and if I want to be the girl I was, the one that laughed at herself, was excited about life and danced through the storm, I need to write. 

Welcome back!

All my love, 

Melanie