Let's talk numbers...

Yes. Lets.

So I have been working my ass of (Literally) for almost 2 years (it all began Feb 2010)... let's see where this hard work has brought me. Aside from my wardrobe, which has grown substantially, because I can finally fit in to my old clothes... as well as find comfort in my fat clothes... lol

Started Jan 2010
Starting weight - 247lbs (ew.)
Hips - 47inches
Waist - 42inches
Chest - 43.5inches
Leg (upper thigh) - 26.5
Arm (upper bicep) - 15.5

End of Year One (Jan 2011)
Middle weight - 219.4 ('middle weight' made me giggle... its a UFC reference)
Hips - 41inches
Waist - 36inches
Chest - 39.5inches
Leg - 23inches
Arm - 14.5inches

*new* Body Fat % - 45.5

This Morning (Aug 2011)
Weight - 202lbs (please remember I am bloated and crampy)
Hips - 39inches
Waist - 34inches
Chest - 37inches
Leg - 21.5inches
Arm - 13inches

Body Fat % - 35.2

Putting it like that makes me proud of my accomplishments... I wish it was a faster process and I wish I hadn't fell off the wagon a few times, because the getting-back-on energy could have been better used else where, but all in all I am glad I started this adventure and I can't wait to see where I am next June (the month before the wedding). Let's be honest... I am going to take a little break after the wedding and enjoy it all... PLUS I am going to attempt conception... so the number for next year might be a little skewed, but I couldn't be happier about the reason.

Summary
Pounds Lost - 45lbs
Inches Lost - 30inches
Body Fat % Lost - 10.3%
Overall percent Lost - 18.2% YES! I lost 18.2% of my body... woo!

Happy Friday everyone!

I am off to try on a few more wedding dresses and hopefully find the one.

Love!

**I wrote this entirely too early... so, I came back and edited it. Sorry!

The Good and the Bad

Let's start with the bad, because that is how I roll (which I will contradict later in this blog... lol). I thought I was doing SO well on this weight loss venture... I mean I am over 45 pounds down (I say 'over 45' because it changes daily). but this morning pictures were posted from the weekend and I look disgusting. *sad face* I hate that... granted my friends have all been blessed with perfect little bodies, but I thought I was getting closer to fitting in... nope. I am still just the fat friend standing on the outside. Its so upsetting... although, it does re-motivate me with a direct STAB at my self esteem.

So that is the bad... fine, I will get over it. I will work harder and I will get there, but today in pictures it sucks.

The good... the oddly good. First, I went on a boat cruise yesterday with work... yes, I have an amazing job... I am not great on boats and was scared of the temptation, but it worked out really well. I hung out on the top deck... one might even call it the Lido deck of this tiny venture. I got some sun and caught up with friends... when I did venture into the haul (I think that's the downstairs in boat language) I was excited to partake in a Tarot card reading. I am skeptic, but a believer... odd I know, but I do believe in energys and fate... I just don't know if the people I talk to can see it. This woman 'Christina' I think, was good... she asked my name and told me to think of a question. She then dealt cards and said... ok, this will be easier in conversation format...

'Wow' Christina said as she scanned the fresh laid cards.

'Good 'wow' or bad 'wow'' Melanie quickly inquired.

'Amazing,'

'Good' Melanie felt relieved, unprepared for bad news.

'You have a lot going on.' She didn't look up from the cards.

'I do.'

'It's all good.'

'I think so.' Melanie beamed.

'You never stop, or sit still... you're always pushing forward trying to do more.' She stopped and looked at Melanie looked for confirmation or disgust. Melanie nodded. 'Don't ever stop. It will  take you far. I see great success, maybe even the best in your field.' At this point Melanie is grinning, but fails to ask 'what field?'

'Like, I might be famous?'

'You could be.'

'I'm ok with that.' Melanie joked.

' These are great cards. I see a lot of love. Are you in a relationship?' She paused and waited. Melanie brought her hand above the table and smiled as she showed her ring.

'I am engaged.'

'Oh perfect, because he is it for you. I see a long lasting, loving relationship.'

'He is.'

'But you've been in some abusive relationships.' Melanie nodded.'And your childhood wasn't an easy one.'

'No, it wasn't'

'I'm sorry for bringing that up.'

'It's ok. I have moved past it, dealt with it.'

'That's the type of thing I was talking about above... you always move forward. Never stop.'

'I won't'

'And continue to be a good person. You have a huge heart... and always try to help people. Karma will pay you back, just stick with it.'

'Hmm... good to know.'

'Now Melanie, what was your question for me?'

'Any questions, right?' Melanie felt silly.

'Yes, any questions.'

'How many kids will I have?'

'Hmm... I will need to see your palms for that.' Melanie places her hands palm up on the table and Christina starts thumbing through them.

'Two,' she pauses 'three. I see three'

'Good, that's what we agreed on... I want 5, he wants 2... so we agreed on 3'

Reading over... it was interesting. I love that Richard is the one for me. I love that I found him and I can relax and know its going to last a lifetime, not that i needed a stranger to confirm that, but its always nice. I also found it interesting the kid thing... I have been to psychic before and she said something similar. She said 2 kids, but I see 3. She had explained it as maybe I would be with a man that already had one child, but Richard doesn't... as far as we know... so maybe it means Solstice will come live with me or something... who knows. Things will happen as they will regardless of what I know about the future, I want to relax and enjoy the ride. Although the success things has got me a little stressed out... success at what?? Do I go back to school (like I was planning)?? And then what for? Do I keep writing?? I don't know... I feel a lot of pressure.

Oh well... there is your good news, bad news of the day. I am on detox day 3 and doing great... I am down 6 pounds and feeling good. I didn't break detox yesterday although I really wanted too.

I am off to the weights class today.

Love!

PS - People in my office are noticing the 'Member of the Month' at the gym. I blush every time, but it feels good.

FML!

Its RE-TOX day and I forgot my perfectly packed lunch on the counter. ARGH! It makes me SO angry... I love Richard, but when he is there in the morning it is so distracting.

I packed the perfect detox lunch... full of yummies to start it off right and BAM! It's sitting on the kitchen counter.

So do I start today? I am sure I could find something at the cafe that qualifies... or do I do my best today, but start tomorrow? I am not hungry yet... but I am nervous about the decisions I will make.

I am stumbling in the diet arena lately... I just can't seem to control myself... I had to admit last week to Richard I was napping to avoid eating. I can't be trusted in a loaded kitchen. Its dumb and weak, but I just need help... so I re-started the detox. I can do it, it works and I feel better... than I forget my lunch! Argh!

Let's hope the day gets better.

Love!
PS - Weekend was AWESOME! A relaxing Friday with Richard, an action packed Saturday with the ladies (Congrats Cassy!) and a recovering Sunday.

I had to skip the gym today :(

I didn't even WANT to... but in step class yesterday I landed funny and have been hobbling for the last 18 hours (yes, even in sleep I hobble). Not sure what I did. Its right below my knee... on my shin. Its a stabbing pain like a shard of something, but I don't know.

It doesn't hurt all the time, but I take it as my body asking for a rest.

If you need more excuses... I am also sick and was up most of the night coughing... Ew!

Happy Weekend!

I did it!!

I did it. I nearly died, but I did it. I am so glad I did.

I got devastating news while I was there. Angela is leaving... the amazing-Angela-good-at-everything-love her-class-best-instructor-ever is leaving! What I am going to do with myself?!?!?!

That's it.

I am so distrot.

And no Drunk Kitchen... which is even more upsetting!

Don't know what I am talking about... click here.

Love!

I'm tired.

And weak.

I realized this morning while I was plotting my day (based around food, of course). I justified eating crap (or preparing to eat crap) because I am tired. I had a late night and feel that allows me to skip the gym and eat crap.

Where is the logic?!?!?

And why am I only now thinking about it?

What is your excuse? Or better what excuses do you make to slack on the lifestyle?

Where was I last night? I was sitting with my hubby to be at the Blink 182 concert... being the best fiance ever I scored wicked seats to see his favorite band. Its also right around our anniversary... so it worked. On the same topic, but different focus... I make the same excuses with finances, the worse I am, the worse I am. Its like... oh well I have no money LET'S have less money! Yee-haw!

Sorry off topic.

So, I was at this concert (amazing!) that ended at 11:30 ish... plus the drive home, means I am running on less than 4 hours sleep. I had to dedicate 30minutes to washing my feet when I got home... flip flops at a concert = worst idea ever!

I drove in thinking about the Tim Hortons breakfast I would get, the Starbucks latte I would need and the lunch I would buy. All of it wouldn't fit into my caloric budget or fitness regime, but it was justified because I am tired.

I thought I should write about it... while I eat an apple and stare at my Banana.

The revelation is... wouldn't good healthy food make me feel better when I am rundown than greasy crap!?!?

So I made a lunch... packed carrots, apples, oranges and bananas. I even brought my gym clothes to tackle a step class (ha!).

Wish me luck!

Love!

PS - I am posting this unedited, only becuase it furthers my point of exhaustion.

Us at the concert! Weeeee!

Its a proud moment

when you make yourself sore.

I had a fun weekend with the ladies in my life. We went dress shopping, lunched on the patio and indulged in some chocolate gelato. Saturday night we had friend over and played wii while gorging ourselves on snacks... including peanut M&M's and freezies.

But Sunday... Sunday I woke up feeling gross disappointed in my indulgences over the weekend and decided to run. I haven't run in a few weeks... its been to hot, to cold, to wet or to late, but Sunday I had no excuse. I saddled up and headed out. I ran for 50 minutes, about 6k. It felt good. The proudest moment was my stop at the park where I did a mini boot camp. For about a half hour I ran the bleachers, lunged up the hills, counted push-ups and crunches... it felt good to sweat.

This morning I am very sore... my muscles are tired and I love it. I don't think I have ever worked that hard alone. Its nice to have the will power to abuse myself.

It should be a good week... I have a few good classes scheduled and Richard is up for walking at night. Its relaxing and great for our relationship to go for a stroll... even if the end result is ice cream ;)

That's it... I am hoping to get to the gym today to work on the elliptical, but I am not feeling the best and might skip in order to go home early... my glands are swollen and I can't swallow... *sad face*

Today I love my life... weird to say, even weirder to feel.

Its amazing how everything falls into place when you release the stresses of a troubled relationship (not my and Richards, but a life lone friend).

Love!

I almost missed today!

Angela was on her game today and I was NOT. What a great class! I did feel drained and awkward though. I was all good for the first 15 minutes and then my feet stopped obeying my head and I fell twice. I even ran out of energy with 10 minutes to go... like, I want to keep going BUT I HAVE NOTHING LEFT!

Aside from that I feel great today.

I took the first steps to follow Skinny Bitch. The book talks about breakfast (the most important meal of the day) and although they agree of its importance they shit all over the idea it should happen immediately. The explanation (I can relate too); is the little people within our bodies, when not digesting food, can focus on cleaning house and rebuilding. When we sleep and starve for 7 hours they get to work on all the tasks they've had to put off because of food digestion. When we wake up they are still tirelessly working away. If we dump food on them before they can finish (before we feel 'hungry') they get confused and over whelmed. They throw up there little hands and say to hell with it. In the process tucking that food away (as fat) until they can sort out what they were working on. So eat when you feel hungry and only eat fruit... one piece at a time until you feel hungry again. It gives the fruit time to digest and not ferment in your stomach.

The reason this makes sense to me... as a little kid I believed (and still do a little bit) that everything was alive. My explanation for fabrics was little men with 4 arms. One set of arms to hold the feet of the guy above and one set of hands to hold the hands of the guy next door... this is what made of fabric. The little men could be different colours... and different sizes (for different textured fabrics). When fabric ripped it was because their little arms got sore and when we repaired it, it was like adding new little men, fresh ones.

So the little man story makes completely sense to me and this morning I let the little men work.

So other than my headache... I feel good and have actually eaten less today.

Crazy! (yes, yes I am).

Love!

I think I am getting the hang of this blogging thing.

Look... three days in a row and a NEW blog!

Woot!

I went to the gym... having won (member of the month) I feel a little obligated to attend. Which, I suppose is a good thing, but my heart isn't in it this week. Kerry was away so, no spinning (her replacement doesn't work for me). So I changed up my muscle work (to Tuesday) and my spinning (to Wednesday). Fine, no problem, but I go to spin today after weights yesterday and the same replacement is in charge. Argh. That's three days of elliptical. Let's hope Angela is here tomorrow, because I need a good STEP beating!

I also read an interesting blog this morning... thanks to the loseit.com! community (which my Mum is now a part of and doing well). Its written by a Nutritionist (I believe). It's called Why She Eats. It's stories about food relationships. I found it fascinating, because I have always had a complex relationship with food (my biggest health blunder... if I enjoy it, it is bad for me. If I hate it, it is good for me... not true). This blog was a great read through case studies. It confused me, because I fit into a few of the categories.

Food is my Obsession - I think about it all the time, when I will eat, where it will come from, what I will crave and even what it will cost. I constantly search online for recipes and creep restaurant sites to pre-plan my meals out.

Food is my Reward - I can make anything a reason to celebrate. Its always a worthy excuse. I will indulge after an amazing day, conquering a stressful day or even having a good workout (which makes NO SENSE at ALL!).

Food is the Enemy - I hate eating it, consuming it and the heavy 'full' feeling I get after consuming it. I was that little kid sitting at a table being told to clear my plate. I get anxious when I eat and believe every crumb will make me fat.

Food is an Adventure - Its the only thing in my life I can control (or ever could). I also sneak around behind closed doors binging and purging (not so much anymore, but I have). I get a thrill from having the secret. I also LOVE food... I love trying new things in the kitchen, new recipes, new restaurants.

Food is a Weakness - I sneak food... I find is comforting and my first instinct when I am alone is to raid the kitchen. Of sound mind I will eat an entire chocolate cake (again, not recently... although I did have a rather large piece last night). I will tell myself it is wrong, as I am doing it. I will tell myself it undoes all I have worked for, yet I don't stop.

I guess that is the point... we are all different with our own issues to work out. I just hate food hate the relationship I have with food. I feel like there is no way to EAT and LOSE weight... my current physique is the perfect example of that. I never eat over my daily calories. I work out 6 days a week. I sleep 8 hours a night (or more). I drink incredible amounts of water. I am educated on how the body works. I take vitamins. And every day I gain a little bit more. I was at my lightest when I was 19 and starving myself for days on end.

How can you argue the workable past????

OK... things got a little too deep for this blog.
Here is moose.



To make things light again ;)

 Love!

I AM EXCITED!

I WON!

Yup, little ol' me.

I won member of the month down at the fitness centre. Yay!

I got the mail late last night... it's so incredibly awesome to be noticed. I never would have guessed it. I am shy at the gym and keep to myself, but love the classes and the instructors. I didn't realize they even knew my name.

I am completely blushing and so excited to have won something based on my fitness... me, big old fat Melanie won a fitness award. Woot!

Ok... I take back that 'fat' comment... we try not to use that word, but as a former fatty its ok in this case.

Below is the write up I sent over and the pictures I included.

Love!

I landed my dream desk job, got diagnosed with hypothyroidism and gained 50 pounds. I hated it, talked about it, complained about it, whined about it, tried to hide and finally dealt with it when a competitive co-worker started running. If she could do it; I could do it. We trained together and competitively we ran 5k. 10k. then the great Canadian winter struck and we were forced in doors. Treadmills aren’t my thing and this same competitive co-worker decided to tackle her first spin class. By the end we were both; panting, sweating and smiling. That was 18 months and 52 pounds ago. Since then I took on every class offered and enjoyed the challenge of Cardio Step, Muscle Up and Boot Camp. Outside of the gym I keep up with my running, kick-box and enjoy hot yoga. I have 15 pounds to go and a wedding dress to fit in to.

I have so much on the go!

First... i am reading a new book. I am still not sure how I feel about it, but after reading over 100 pages last night I will say it is well written. Basically its a naming calling book that lays out the facts without any sugar coating.

Skinny Bitch is a fancinating read. The authors are more than literally skinny bitches, that take no whining or excuses when it comes to becoming a skinny bitch.

The book is incredibly informative. It not only tells you sugar is bad, but goes into in depth explanation of how different sugars affect the body. It offers alternatives and ideas.

The idea of this resonated with me. I need explanation. Tell me not to do something and I WILL do it, but explained to me how it is detrimental to my goal and I won't do it. This book explains alcohol, carbs, caffefine and sugar. I couldn't put it down.

It took a turn for me when it got to the 'meat' section. I didn't realize this was pro-vegan literature. I think a Vegan life is commendable, but like religon don't force it on me. Now granted I did purchase the book and no one forced me to read it. It is uncomfortable to read. It is bias as both authors are completely vegan, but I did have to skim through a few parts because of the graphic content. I am not trying or pretending that animal slaughter doesn't happen, but my love of animals and big heart can't handle the horror stories. Again, this book took the informative angle. Not only to they share the horror stories, but they also explained the affects that meat has on the body... which is more likely to get me to give up meat than anything else.

This book illustrates the extreme and gave me nightmares last night. I want to make a change, but my inability to digest soy limits my vegan experience.

I loved the smart mouth angle of the book... I can't wait to dive into it again tonight. I highly recommend it and will more than likely hand it out to all my friends, but just be prepared for some forced opinions.

I also understand I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to health issues... I am unhealthy and have no medical training, but I know what my simple mind can handle.

Hmmm... this came off a little negative. I didn't mean it too, like I said, I love the book and can't wait to read more. I was just a little sidetracked by the forced tone of the veganism lifestyle.

Whewf what a mouthful.

Love!

Elevators

I don't feel like elevators should go ONE floor... especially down. I mean granted if you have a disability or walk with cane, if you have lots to carry or are pregnant I can understand, but being fat (or lazy) is not a good reason to bung up the elevators.

I work in a building with 5000 people. There are 6 elevators. The second floor is where the gym is and the cafe reside... so granted there is a lot of traffic, but it never ceases to amaze me the amount of lazy folks that stand and wait for the elevator to take them down ONE floor... its 12 steps, its not even a FULL floor.

I watch them waddle to the elevator and push the little button... all while the seams of their jeans scream for help as they try to pack in all the excess flubber. I don't mean to sound judgemental or prejudice, but COME ON!!

I take the elevator after the gym... to take me to the 5th floor. I could do the stairs, but an hour work-out and throbbing leg muscles are my excuse not to do the 5 flights. That might be hypocritical, but its my blog and I will cry if I want to.

Laziness is BY FAR my biggest pet peeve... I would take a liar over a sloth any day. Although both drive me nuts.

Rant over.

Love!

I am a neglectful terrible blogger!

I think all my posts in the last few months have started the same. With a huge apology for not blogging more.

I just don't want to write the same thing... trying things and nothing is working. I suppose I haven't committed to anything it quite sometime. I try to do something and then something else gets in the way... typically finances. Buying a house is TOO MUCH money. Although that is assumed I hate how expensive vitamins, vegetables and organic food is. I really do feel better when I cut sugar, wheat and diary from my diet (I have been trying to re-detox for 3 weeks), but I can't afford all that goes with it.

Trying to consume only chicken (for protein) and veggies gets up there in price. All this while I am trying to be a good little house wife and prepare meals for the hubby (he can cook himself, but I enjoy doing it). Its proving to be too much.

I am such a people pleaser that I continue put the needs of everyone else above myself... which is what first got me into this mess.

Now today I am not eating healthy, but in all the hub bub of the weekend I didn't go grocery shopping... not to mention the lack of funds (due to another lay off). Its just stressful and all consuming. I feel like a bag of poo today... mainly because I spent two days saying "Fuck the diet". I feel dizzy and bloated, mean and confused. Its terrible, but I did it to myself and I need to sort it out and stop making excuses. I have 25 pounds to lose in 11 months... which doesn't seem unreasonable, but won't happen at this pace.

Smarten up! Sort it out!

ARGH! I want to punch myself in the face (but not really, because I have a mighty punch and a soft face ;)

Love?

PS - Less about fitness, more about life. Why is being a good person so much of a struggle? I mean not the be polite don't pee on your neighbours lawn (that is obvious), but the donate to charity, remember every special event in your friends lives, don't judge, never belittle your partner...

I should be supportive, but its harder than it looks.