After the weekend - the reckoning.

 Mondays are hard. 

They're busy and out of balance. It's the introduction to the work week, school and schedules. It's peaceful to have a purpose, but hard to do it alone. Working remotely means sitting alone at a desk, staring at screens and hoping I am not making mistakes. It's shushing my kids and avoiding calls. It's a lot. 

It's drowning in data entry and not wanting to eat a salad. It's the scale with the swollen number of a busy weekend. It's stiff joints and back pain. It's wondering what you're doing -- it's trying to get yourself all charged up about the 5:30pm workout, but you're too exhausted from doing nothing all day. And the guilt of sitting all day - it's wanting to... finish a sentence but getting distracted and coming back another day with no idea where it was supposed to end. 

Tuesday's are tricky. Tuesday's feel like the end of a long week, but are still just the beginning. Tuesday's have promise and determination. 

I need to focus to finish this post - life is a struggle, yadda yadda. I can't lose weight, I have bad habits this is hard blah blah blah. 

I hate being a downer. I want to be the life of the party - I want to be happy and exciting. 

So... I bought myself something (a fall back habit for dealing with stress), but this time it was shoes for my evening walks. Motivation to use my new shoes to get my kms up. Something pretty to share and be proud of. 

BAM - 

Picture one is a 'fat' girl picture, taken unlaced at a weird angle because I can't reach my feet. Picture two is after a long (for me) walk.

They're very pretty and super comfortable BUT the coolest part is the computer inside. Yes - these shoes connect to your phone via bluetooth and track so many weird and cool things. 

It's crazy to me all the things it tracks, I also know most of it doesn't matter, but boy do I love information. I love seeing progress. I love walking away from this body and hopefully (fingers crossed) into a new one. One that is light and easy, smooth and fun.

God - I need change so badly. I really hate myself. And I know this is supposed to be positive and strong. but somedays I just hate the choices I have made, the person I have become. I hate how I am living my life and want to scream into a pillow for change. I don't know how to change, these habits run deep and I constantly slide back in to them. I don't know how to be anything other than what I am. And I don't want to be what I am. 

Sorry for the realness - the raw authenticity. Self awareness is hard, annoying and something I wish I had never tried to achieve. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

Wish me luck.

-Mel