Sunday, November 29, 2015

I can't

I think I might have written about this with Thomas, but it still confuses me. How do people willing live like this, without an end in sight? I am 36 weeks pregnant and could qualify for disability, based on my inability to do... anything.

I can't sit up, roll over, stand for long periods of time, sleep, walk, run, cross my legs or function as a normal human being. I am too big for most activities, I am too uncomfortable for most situations, but my discomfort is limited. I have an end in sight and a plan to NEVER feel like this again, but it makes me think of the obesity epidemic that is facing North America (and a large portion of my family) and how people can willing choose to live like this.

I pant as I struggle to get up the stairs, my heart races as I walk my son around the block (and those 20 minutes kill me), I need to nap every afternoon to make it past 8pm. I calculate all of my daily activities on how to take the fewest steps because of the complete pain it causes (damn pelvic floor).

My ankles are swollen and my hands ache, I have no grip and constant tingles... this is normal for some people, for month/years.

Now I am never going to be a size two. I will likely never even be average, but I will be functional. I never want to be limited by my size/weight. I never want to think about any task and give up before starting, because I know I am incapable of doing it.

My ability to do anything aside... its also the vanity of it. I have been wearing the same tank for 3 days because nothing else fits (I shower and wash it, don't worry). I have to make a conscience effort every morning to find something to cover me up, then i look at my husband who grabs clothes in the dark and rushes out of the room, he never has to consider how it makes him look, how it fits or what people will think... he is fit and everything fits perfectly. I want that desperately.

Speaking of my family... my Mother is the reason I notice all these things, its been 30 years of me watching her struggle to live a normal life. She spent a lot her time sitting and asking everyone around her to help her. She couldn't play with my son or go for a walk, she had to plan her visits around bathroom breaks (I used to live in a 3 level town, that meant 16 stairs to any bathroom). Travel, shopping and a full nights rest were out of the question. I don't know how she shopped or felt about having her picture taken, but now... now everything is different. In April my Mother had Gastric ByPass and although the loss has slowed she is down well over 100lbs in 7 months. She plays with my son, chases him around, goes for walks and takes care of herself. Clothes fit and look good... its like watching her rediscover life. It's amazing. I can't be inside her head, but I am sure she wishes she'd done this sooner.

But there are so many people that don't have a light at the end of the tunnel... do they want it and just aren't willing to work for it? Do they have no memory of the freedom of being fit? Does it seem impossible? I don't know. For me it is very possible. Kids are amazing, but pregnancy is the worst.

I know I need to have patience with my body as it builds a human being, but I just can't wait to get my body back, for it to be mine again. I can't wait to go to the gym everyday... fueled by good foods (honestly I have indulged WAY too many times this pregnancy knowing it is the last time). I can't wait to explore the neighbourhood because I am going for a run (which is really the best way to explore). I just can't wait to wear clothes without making excuses for my appearance.

February 22nd, two months after having a baby (and major surgery) I will start back at the gym... Richard is up for the challenge (he'll spend mornings, before work, alone with two kids... ideally they'll be sleeping, but who knows). I am going to work to go to my 6am classes 4 days a week. I am not a huge fan of gym daycares, but will also try to go to one class a week during the day with baby in order to get out of the house.

Our goal is to be able to walk to the park for Thomas come spring (it's about 4k, pushing a stroller with two kids in it).

I know I will have days without motivation, but I will read this post and remember how much I hated being huge and incapable... I am hoping that will be the spark I need to get out of bed and get going.

Wish me luck... I need a nap.