Wednesday, January 31, 2018


I want to be better – a better me, a better mother, a better friend. Be Better has always been my motto. I like that open ended drive to growth. Apparently that is all that is wrong with my mental state.

In the past 12 months I have taken notice of my slipping mental state. I notice my anxiety around the everyday. I notice my aversion to germs and touching. I notice my sour state. Things that always seemed to be manageable stopped being manageable. I started to notice how much my ‘craziness’ was affecting my day to day adventures.

Being aware is a gift; aware there is a problem, aware that it is affecting me and those close to me, aware that there is help available to me.

It is my ability to be aware that allows me to find help.

That is strength, even if I doubt typing that. It doesn’t feel strong to admit to a weakness. It doesn’t feel strong to ask for help, but it is.

So in September I went to someone to talk about all of it, its taboo and I hid it from my friends. I attended sessions with a psychotherapist, calling them ‘Book Club’. Book Club taught me about myself, that I was naturally hard on myself and that I was doing ok. I still don’t believe it.

My mind is divided, the logical rational Melanie that knows things are good, I am ok-- and the paranoid little girl that reminds me constantly of what I am doing wrong or what could go wrong. This alone has prevented freedom and spontaneity, adding stress to my relationships.  

They argue. Some days logic wins, most days it doesn’t.

This constant dialogue fills my head 24 hours a day, leaving no time to live in the moment, no time to enjoy and plenty of anxiety to fill the gaps.

I thought ignorance was bliss; I ignored signs and tried to fix it myself, with a deep seeded fear in losing my mind. 

Now, why am I writing this post? Better, why am I finally sharing this post? It feels like the right day, when everyone is a little softer. A little more understanding.

My name is Melanie and I have high-functioning OCD. 

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Doing my own thing.

Day one of my own personal hell bootcamp!

I have searched (since moving here) for somewhere to work out, somewhere with a group setting, support and class times that fit with my schedule. That is a tough order. I can’t workout in the AM; Richard is gone by 5:30am. I can’t workout between 8 and 11:30 or 1:30 and 6:30, because – work. I can’t workout between 6:30 and 8, that’s the only time I see my boys (and getting fit for them shouldn’t mean missing out on them). So... you see my dilemma, to complicate things, working out after 8pm sabotages my sleep and gets me all wound up!

I tried Cross Fit, Orange Theory, Bootcamps, Kickboxing, Trampoline and -- everything... nothing worked.

So...  I thought, I tried Cross Fit, Orange Theory, Bootcamps, Kickboxing, Trampoline, why not take everything I have learned and put together my own bootcamp, on my schedule!??!

I reinstated my Goodlife membership, on hold since September, and made a plan.

Some revisions to make to the plan!
Today was the first day, although I ambitiously wanted to start yesterday on a deep cleanse day. Nope. I went home and cried instead, because I am a girl... and sometimes we do that for no reason (at least not one we understand). 

I also had a Naturopath appointment* at lunch eliminating my one workout time slot for the day *thats an emotional post and I am still working on the courage to share.

Also the bonus to creating your own schedule is it is your own! So I moved day one to today and bingo bango we’re back in business!

I created a circuit with decreasing rows at the top. I added in 6 strength exercises, Upper body twice a week, Lower body once a week. This paired with Step on Saturdays (hence the lower body difference) and Hot Yoga on Sundays for a good stretch.

10 weeks. I have 10 weeks organized, planned, prepped and on the go. Once I complete 10 weeks, I’ll re-evaluate and schedule the next 10.

Today was learning... it was a new location for me so I wasn’t sure how easy the circuit would be to set-up. The Row machine (a crucial step according to OTF, Crossfit and Bootcamps) wasn’t anywhere near the weights, which added a step, but worked out.

Look at that effort! #beachbodyhereicome
Being the first also meant alterations we’re acceptable, good news is most adjustments were to add weight. I am stronger than I thought.

I had a HiiT run at the end with sprints, but I had to cut time and found treadmill running boring (I love the outdoors). So I turned on my Apptiv App* and did a Kelly Clarkson run for 18minutes, elevation change plus intervals and a wicked play list.

*Great App... highly recommend!

 It felt good to be home. Wish me luck on getting through the next 10 weeks. You are my accountability.


Ps - These posts need to be funnier. #lame

Friday, January 19, 2018

My theory on OTF


I finally made it to an Orange Theory Fitness Class and I am sad.

Sad because I love orange, and OTF is incredible at branding – their promotional materials are on point.

Sad because I wanted to this work so badly, they have class times that are convenient for my schedule; unlike every other gym in the area. *Ranting coming later, *Rant Rebuttal coming even later.

Sad because it appears to be a great environment for competition.

Sad because I am still cold!

So, the honest review; the customer service is amazing, everyone is excited about OTF. I felt comfortable and the sign in was easy. The technology and resources are incredible, the heart rate monitor is a cool addition (more to come) and visually seeing your work level is a perk. The workout equipment is great, the treadmills are more automated, so there is no button mashing; they have a water rower; which for someone who hates rowing was awesome. It’s so smooth.
The workout... I was warned it was the hardest workout in the circuit. Only 9 people had successfully completed it. I went in knowing it would be a struggle, which I love. I anticipated an all out war on my lazy muscles and I was excited. The orientation was well rehearsed and, although a lot of information, I felt ready. But here’s the kicker... my teeth were chattering while I waited for the session to begin. No one had exited the previous class with any amount of sweat on them. I joked about when does it get warm and am told not to worry, in fact they had put on the AC because it was like an oven earlier. 20 minutes in and I had to ditch my sweater, not because I was warm, but because it was too bulky to move in. Goosebumps covered my skin as I tried to get into the movements, rowing, squats, push ups, crunches, burpees and TRX bridge pulls – big stuff and still I was cold. So cold, I was having trouble breathing; the air was dry and cold and burned my lungs.  This forced me to slow down and take breaks, which dropped my heart rate and kept me in the blue warm-up zone (frustrating when you’re supposed to skip through the blue zone to the green zone and land in the Orange zone). 

I am not a super hero who can skip the gym for 3 months and then drop back into a heavy work out and win, but I couldn’t even compete in that environment. I know I could have done more, because today I am not sore or tired... not sure I even got a burn or the promised Orange Theory after burn.
It could have been the workout. It was tough. It could have been me, but nothing got me excited. I actually watched the clock, which is the worst.

The follow-up is very cool... I got an email this morning with my graphs, disappointing as it is; it’s cool to see it.

OTF is on point with their technology, but the workout just wasn’t there for me.
I am not really sure what I am going to do now. They did offer a second trial class, something that is more accented in what they typically do. I am not sure I want to lead them on. I have an Apple Watch that tracks my workouts, gives me graphs and monitors my heart, not sure I need to pay for a second service to accomplish that.

So where do I go from here?

I think I need to reinstate my Goodlife membership and go on my lunch hour, make a plan that includes running, weights and rowing. It’s the only thing I can afford, that doesn’t impact my boys. I need to find that drive to succeed or I am never going to get there.

91 days to go – 24 lbs to go

*Rant: Every gym has class times (I love classes; competition, direction, music!), but they are always done at 6:30 (7:30 at the latest, but even those are mostly reserved for Yoga and stretching). I can’t make it to a 6:30 class, without giving up the precious seconds I get to spend with my boys.  Work, school and life means I spend less than 3 hours a day with my littles and I am not cutting that short to hit the gym. My priorities are in line, they trump all – their cuddles are therapeutic!

*Rant rebuttle: Working out late and getting up early are not a great combination, I was amped when I got home at 10pm and it took 2 hours to come out of clouds and fall asleep. So I get why classes aren’t so late... argh. Being a morning person and a night owl is really cramping my style!