Full update - full dose

August 11th Draft: 

Hello!

I haven't been writing because I have nothing to complain about. I know it is confusing to me too. 

I am on the full dose of Saxenda and I am good. I am good with myself and my progress, I feel good. I feel hopeful and optimistic. 

It really has changed my relationship with food -- I have since realized I never felt 'full' before. I could eat non-stop with no physical cues to stop. I had to solely bank all of my goals on my willpower and the 'want' to stop. I love eating and never wanted to stop -- I never had a physical reminder to stop.

That is what Saxenda has given me, a break and a brake. A tool to tell my brain and my mouth to 'stop we've had enough' and that urge is stronger than the need to clear my plate. I have stopped mid-way through my fav meal because I am done. I don't panic about not finishing and than punish my guilty mind for finishing. 

I don't feel anxiety around food at the moment, I am not worried about eating the 'wrong' thing or ruining my progress. I just eat till I am almost full and then stop - no pressure or anxiety. And without restrictions and calorie counting I don't feel deprived or hungry. My brain thinks I am full so I have no cravings or demands to keep eating. 

Aside from chemically what it's doing to me, that alone has affected my waistline and my family. I don't make separate meals, I don't skip the 'good ones'. I don't stress about the portion sizes in front of my kids and in turn I feel good. I had the headspace for more important things.

October 13th:

Hi,

I still feel all of the above, I still feel grounded and connected to my body. I've heard a few stories about Saxenda and complications, but so far its just the burps, unrelenting, tonic flavored, loud burps - ALL. THE. TIME.

I am at 19.5lbs lost since starting - it is a slow process, but I think that's good. I feel less bloated and uncomfortable. 

Things are good. I will probably complain in the next post, because it's me. 

Love! 

Melanie

The feeling --

 -- of being SO full. That's the best way to describe it. 

When you sit down to eat a turkey diner with all the fixings, but it's Thanksgiving so you've already been eating all the apps, wine and water - to try and make it all better. So you sit down to the feast, you want to eat and most of it has healthy options. You jump in, because this only happens a few times a year (3 in Canada -- Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas), you eat and eat and discuss how full you are, but keep eating. 

Then at 7pm -- hours after dinner has been consumed and cleared away -- your body feels big, full. That's the feeling. That's the feeling all day with Saxenda. It feels as if you are stuffed to the brim and the burps and burn is something to get used too. 

And yet -- at this point (1:38pm on a Tuesday) I haven't eaten. I haven't had the urge, I feel full and uncomfortable. I've drank a gallon of water and a kombucha. 

I know I need to eat something, but the thought of putting 'more' into this body right now - *barf*

It's hot and I am uncomfortable. I am in good spirits though - the scale is in continuous decline (yay), but I hope this side effect quits soon. I am so full. 

The so-full does help with the snacking, I just don't have space or time. 

So that's the update -- I am empty and full all at the same time. 

Hmmm.... 

Saxenda - Update

 Good Morning!

I am have way through the first week of my Saxenda and it's going well - I think. I have a before  picture, but I am saving that embarrassment for when I have a good after/during photo. It's no surprise I don't love my before -- I had behind black and baggy clothes. 

First - the injections, I thought this would be tricky - I do need to psyche myself up a little bit, but it's going well. The pen fascinates me, it is used for multiple injections - I just swap out the needle head, click my dose (0.6mg the first week). I have found my favourite spot - the fupa. I move around my lower belly, changing positions every day. It doesn't even hurt (although I did try my thigh and I didn't like it). 

Second - the feeling, I am not sure I feel different, but I do. I don't even know how to explain it - I feel full, but in the uncomfortable bloated way. I hope that subsides as my body adjusts, but truth is it stops me from snacking through the evening because I am full. I had a headache through the first 3 days, but that could have been the weather, a rainy heat wave. 

Third - the scale, it's going down consistently. I am hesitant to get excited about the loss, could be water weight or a wonky scale. I will do an official weigh in on Saturday when I up my dose. 

Fourth - side affects, I am so tired. I haven't hit my workouts at all this week. I am drained by the time I get to the end of the day and have been sound asleep by 8pm. And the heartburn -- it's like I am pregnant and I just swallowed a fire. I am not used to that, but it's manageable. I would stand on my head if it would work.

Fifth - the mental side, I still haven't broadcasted my use of Saxenda, it still feels silly that I need this kind of help. I haven't fixated on food or volume - I just eat good food when I am hungry and that seems to work. I don't feel as anxious at mealtime as I typically do and I am not counting every calorie.

So that's it -- I think it is a positive review so far. I wish I had hit more workouts, but I am ok with sitting out this week. Everything opens back up next week - then I will book my OTF classes in the evenings I don't have strength training. I'll see if that helps. 

Until then - stay healthy!

Here we go!

I spoke with my NP yesterday and set the plan in motion. 

I start with Saxenda on Sunday, I've read as much as I can about it and I am excited to be one of the success stories (fingers and toes are crossed it works for me). I dove into the side effects and complications as well - I feel good about this. I also got on the wait list for a consultation with the bariatric team - I don't think I want to go through with the surgery, but I have enough questions I want answers too. 

Yet - I am not telling anyone, I am not shouting from the rooftops that I need this kind of support. I am quietly being excited and only telling a handful of people. Maybe after it works I will tell people, but it feels shameful to need help. 

So here is the plan -- there is always a plan. 12 weeks on Saxenda with a growing dose week by week. At the end of it, I have to have lost 5% of my total body weight - or more. If yes, I can choose to continue. If no - we stop, because it is not working. 

I have a spreadsheet and everything -- I keep everything else the same, workouts, water and whole foods, just add a little poke every morning. 

Wish me luck! I will keep an updated journal here - I can tell you're excited. 

Love!

Melanie

I don't know

 I don't always know what to write. 

I feel like I have nothing to offer somedays - especially the days when I am failing myself. The days I have given up and don't care. The days when I look and feel like poop. And I feel like poop because I am not taking care of myself, but I don't have the energy to put in the work. 

I wish it wasn't work - I have tried the tiny habits, but even those seem like too much effort  - I have the time but I am tired. And then I am sad -- sad because I know I can be better. 

I'm sad because even this 'no effort' is doing the same thing -- which hurts my head. I can't lose weight, I continuously gain and I recognize its not about the number on the scale, but nothing else is changing either. And then I fall off - lazy, eating machine and the same things happens. The number still goes up, I still feel crummy. So with or without effort it sucks -- so WHAT IS THE POINT??

And then I have a few down days, I dust myself off and go back at it again. Maybe I don't know what I am doing -- because here I sit typing away and spewing all over the keyboard and I still don't know what to do next. I am drinking a tea and worried about the need to eat. 

I have anxiety about eating -- all the time. 

Argh. 

Hormones!

What is the difference between an enzymes and hormones? 

Answer: You can't hear an enzyme. 

Think it - say it out loud - laugh with me! 

Hormones ruin everything - Mother Nature rolls in and upsets the apple cart. The cravings are uncontrollable, my head is pounding for a week straight, my insides are turned inside out and my body is full - bloated and miserable. 

It sucks -- I am too exhausted to want to work out. Yes, not too exhausted to workout - too exhausted to WANT too. I don't want to do anything right, and then I feel even worse because I didn't do anything right. 

I know eating right and working out, drinking water and being mindful is good for me and makes me feel good BUT damn -- once I month I DON'T CARE. Then I feel worse and its the cycle. 

I am in the throws of it - I hope it doesn't last and I hope I can get back to where I need to be ASAP.

I need to find the time to meditate and settle my anxious brain.

The Follow-Up

 It's Tuesday of week Two. 

I am not hangry, just the same frustration as before. I spent a week weight training and calorie counting. I took all my supplements and vitamins, tracked my water intake. And aside from hunger I was ok -- I felt less bloated and uncomfortable in my body, but I didn't feel great. 

As for the whole point of these -- the weight loss. I loss 4 pounds, which is a lot in the grand scheme of things, but I gained a bit back in the second half of the week, which how the feck does that happen on 1200 calories a day??? 

**Sidenote: I over estimated everything I consumed, I also counted an extra 150 kcals over the entire day just in case I missed something or mis-measured. I used measuring cups, spoons and a scale. I am not new to the 'mistakes' of tracking calories.

I did find some good -- I like strawberries with Greek yogurt and maple syrup. Rice Cakes are kind of yummy. Not meal prepping (like putting one meal in a container for later), but portioning was really helpful. I measure out all my proteins, fats and 'treats' into portions that worked with my plan. I didn't have to think about them when I grabbed them. 

I didn't have any changes to my inches - hmpf. 

I don't know about all of this -- I'm tired. 

Hangry.

 I. Am. Hungry. This. Is. BS.

So go back and read the previous post. So I can't decide what I want to do - I can't wrap my head around one of the concepts -- gastric by-pass cuts your stomach to a smaller size so you physically can't eat more foods. I googled what the expectation was for daily calories after the surgery has healed (2-3 months) and its staggeringly low, like 1000-1300 per day. No wonder these people are losing weight. I don't get it. I don't get that pre-surgery eating 1000-1300 per day is an eating disorder, but post surgery its expected. AND why can't I just eat like that, without surgery? 

So... I did a thing, I made a plan to eat a full variety of whole foods, but not exceed 1300 kcal a day. I made a plan for a week, I busted out my scale and measuring cups - I meal prepped and divided my macros. I am on day two (while still maintaining my strength training and step goals) and I am hangry. I am counting the seconds until my next meal. 

Day ONE was 3 meals and 2 snacks, supplements, 3500ml of water and a tea. I had 106grams of protein and 9 servings for fruits/veggies. I took 7500 steps and did a 35minute weight routine. 

And I was mean as a snake to all those around me. 

I have a similar plan for today, but more veggies, a walk with my boys and a HIIT workout this afternoon (weather permitting). 

I don't feel any less bloated or happy about it, but it's only day TWO.

This is my research - so far I don't love it. I also don't get why people didn't just cut calories. I guess with a smaller stomach you have no choice and maybe that is it for some people. 

Hungrily yours, 

Melanie

Big things - Big decisions

For a big girl - I hate that, I hate being the biggest girl in the room. I hate being too big to do the things I want. I hate this body that I have created (although I try to be good - nothing works and that is disheartening).

I regularly connect with the nurse practitioner at my GPs office. She is amazing. We used to meet every 6 months to review my thyroid plan, but too much was falling between cracks. Too many failures were piled on. We have tried everything to get me to my ideal weight and manage my mood. We have run tests on everything that hurts or doesn't work right, more on that below (if I remember). I am healthy. My sleep study came back clean (the excess weight is the only problem), my mammograms' came back clean (with a follow-up request), my endoscope was normal, my bloodwork and urine test is good every time (aside from thyroid). I have had ultrasounds and x-rays for all the aches and pains. Everything is good - yet every week I weigh in a little bit higher. 

All the things I am doing right: My lifestyle has been edited - I do strength training 3-4x/week, I walk 7000-10000 steps a day, I track my calories and macros - check check check. I only drink water - no juice, coffee or dairy. I avoid gluten and dairy as much as possible. I switched to lean protein from local suppliers, antibiotic free, free range grain fed. I did the sensitivities testing and avoid the red and yellow foods. I read health as fuck and shifted my meals to be 50% vegetables -- AND a variety of vegetables for optimum gut health. I take probiotics and supplements as recommended by my naturopath. I visit the RMT and chiropractor. I do everything right, but I gain all the time and not muscle -- my inches go up as well. 

The follow up on above - my aches and pains could be past trauma, it is believed that the body holds on trauma longer than the brain and people who have suffered trauma can he hypochondriacs because something always hurts. But like above - I also go to therapy twice a month to work on my mental health. 

Oof - so the big things. My Nurse Practitioner has some recommendations about what we do next. She knows that I am trying and I don't want/need a quick fix, but I do need to do something. My weight/size is affecting my relationships and ability to live my life - from moto riding to sitting, standing to getting dressed to go out. It's too hard and I hate it.

One of my biggest fears in life has always been the time when I can't do what I want - I want to be able to do whatever I want. I am at a point now that my weight is stopping me from doing whatever I want. This body doesn't work and my mood is suffering. 

I have three options, I need to research them all and make a decision if I want this kind of help. 

1. Saxenda; diabetic medication that has proven to aid in weight loss and proven cardiovascular benefits

2. Contrave; different diabetic injection that has different perks and is laced with anti-depressants that can help with insulin control and leads to weight-loss. **I think I am waiting on more details

3. Gastric Bypass surgery; Oof. This one was hard to hear... I never thought of myself as big enough to need surgery and I can't wrap my head around the difference between getting my stomach snipped and only eating 1000 kcal a day or just cutting my kcal to 1000 a day. Why is one ok and one an eating disorder. I need to do more research because I just can't wrap my head around the point of a surgery, if it is ok to limit my calories that drastically can't I do that without surgery?? But surgery will work - only 50% of the time and it didn't work for my Mum. But the drugs will be fun, although this won't help my obsession with food. 

BUT I am young and healthy so why not get it done BEFORE my heart and joints struggle?? Maybe proactive is the way to go. 

And the waitlist in Ontario is 2-5 years... so likely by the time it's scheduled I won't qualify. I barely have 100lbs to lose now.

All of these feel like cutting corners and the easy way out. All of these feel too drastic for me, but everything else isn't working. I am not sure what I am going to do now. I would love opinions of people who don't know me - I haven't shared any of this with my friends of family. It feels too personal. 

In the meantime I looked up what a typical day after bypass looks like AND am following that diet for a week to see how it feels, what it does and if I can do it. 

I just want this all behind me - I want to be fit and healthy, happy and excited about life and the opportunities it presents without the weight. 

As always -- I will track my progress and update as I learn, lose and grow. 

Love!

Melanie

Ps - The big question is also - am I lying to myself somewhere? Am I really trying hard enough? Am I lazy? Am I just failing and refusing to admit it? Honestly I don't think so... but who knows at this point. 

Father's Day Weekend

What a fun 'exercise that isn't' weekend we had! Motocross is a huge test of your strength and endurance. We spent the weekend at Gopher Dunes. I didn't ride (it wasn't my turn, I don't have gear and -- it just wasn't my turn). We loaded up the 50 and 110 with everything we thought we would need and headed out. It was storming as we pulled out of the driveway, but at 1.5 hours it was blue skies and sun. 

We unloaded and hit the tracks - I was the mule this trip, which means my steps were up, my skin is tanned and my hair was caked in dirt. 

Thomas and Richard took on the pee-wee track, a medium sized loose dirt track with big hills. Both said it was a tough ride, but we had the track to ourselves and they paced themselves. 

Then it was time for Zac to hit the beginner track our little speed demon killed it. He has incredible throttle control and is fearless. Even the instructor (we weren't in the cross but on the same track) commented on his comfort level. 

With Zac refusing to get off the 50, Thomas decided to try the 110. It's a bit tall for him, and he had a few tears, but trusted himself and did a couple laps around the beginner track. 

We wondered the property and watched the big guys, with big jumps. He picnicked in the shade of the Go Dogs Go tree.

And if that wasn't the best part of the weekend - the boys first stay in a hotel was magic. Both we're both surprised and delighted by the little motel in Simcoe. We even walked to dinner and finally (after 18 months) sat on a patio and ordered off of a menu.

The weekend ended with a jump in the pond. Everyone is tired and happy. 

Happy Father's Day to all the moto dads out there. 

And for me - it was amazing to watch my little humans conquer fears and explore the world on their own terms. I got in a lot of steps, made a lot of diet mistakes - but I slept well and felt happy. 

Love,

Melanie and her Moto boys xo

Ps - Zac was mind blown a lot this weekend.

Outdoor workouts have resumed!

 I got the call to book my outdoor workout with Orange Theory Fitness - my fans (smirk) will know I have tried this before (read it here OTF) pretty unsuccessfully.

I am happy to report 3.5 years later - I like it. I joined a different (read:brand new) location and the staff and equipment sparkle. The pandemic has made it tricky to be consistent, they were open for a week and then shut down for 3 months. I joined a second gym (the ROD) to do at home and fell in love with it. Now that OTF is able to open for outdoor workouts, I am doing both. I can't decide which I prefer. I love Rod and the community he has created, but I thrive in the class setting with real people, loud music and proper equipment. 

Last night was my first workout back with OTF, but I confused something because my heart rate monitor didn't report back - I don't know if I was in the orange, the red or any other colour combination. 

Check me out at the end fighting a plank!

Luckily I did track on my watch and I think it was a good workout. I felt good about it, there were 6 of us (which sometimes I judge the audience, how hard is the workout if all the participants are older, rounder white ladies. I don't want to judge, but I am not aspiring to be an older, rounder white lady.) I say it was a good workout for 2 reasons; my inner hips quit working when I hit the row (last station, I hate rowing), and my comparison to everyone else. I did the workout, I didn't stop, drop or slow -- this is a risky judgement, because was it an easy workout that I killed, was it a hard workout that I killed? I don't know. I do know I hate rowing and I hate plank (both of which I spent 10 minutes doing). 

It did feel good to be back on the step - I freaking love step class and if I could find a one off step class I would be in heaven!

So it's a thumbs up, I will continue with both. I signed up for once a week with OTF, the bulk of my training will be at home with R.O.D.

Stay classy my friends, 

Melanie

Ps. I fight with the scale every morning - my entire day is based on what that little robot tells me. I can't figure it out, but I am at a scary high number that I need to resolve. I need to buckle in and take care of myself. I am hoping this momentum continues, because it is a scary number. I have 21 months until I am 40 and at 40 I don't want to still be trying to get it together. I want to lost 100lbs in the next 21 months. It is reasonable, doable and realistic if I make a plan and stick with it. I need to actively lose 4lbs a month, 1lb a week - easy, peasy.

This is my scared face.

After the weekend - the reckoning.

 Mondays are hard. 

They're busy and out of balance. It's the introduction to the work week, school and schedules. It's peaceful to have a purpose, but hard to do it alone. Working remotely means sitting alone at a desk, staring at screens and hoping I am not making mistakes. It's shushing my kids and avoiding calls. It's a lot. 

It's drowning in data entry and not wanting to eat a salad. It's the scale with the swollen number of a busy weekend. It's stiff joints and back pain. It's wondering what you're doing -- it's trying to get yourself all charged up about the 5:30pm workout, but you're too exhausted from doing nothing all day. And the guilt of sitting all day - it's wanting to... finish a sentence but getting distracted and coming back another day with no idea where it was supposed to end. 

Tuesday's are tricky. Tuesday's feel like the end of a long week, but are still just the beginning. Tuesday's have promise and determination. 

I need to focus to finish this post - life is a struggle, yadda yadda. I can't lose weight, I have bad habits this is hard blah blah blah. 

I hate being a downer. I want to be the life of the party - I want to be happy and exciting. 

So... I bought myself something (a fall back habit for dealing with stress), but this time it was shoes for my evening walks. Motivation to use my new shoes to get my kms up. Something pretty to share and be proud of. 

BAM - 

Picture one is a 'fat' girl picture, taken unlaced at a weird angle because I can't reach my feet. Picture two is after a long (for me) walk.

They're very pretty and super comfortable BUT the coolest part is the computer inside. Yes - these shoes connect to your phone via bluetooth and track so many weird and cool things. 

It's crazy to me all the things it tracks, I also know most of it doesn't matter, but boy do I love information. I love seeing progress. I love walking away from this body and hopefully (fingers crossed) into a new one. One that is light and easy, smooth and fun.

God - I need change so badly. I really hate myself. And I know this is supposed to be positive and strong. but somedays I just hate the choices I have made, the person I have become. I hate how I am living my life and want to scream into a pillow for change. I don't know how to change, these habits run deep and I constantly slide back in to them. I don't know how to be anything other than what I am. And I don't want to be what I am. 

Sorry for the realness - the raw authenticity. Self awareness is hard, annoying and something I wish I had never tried to achieve. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

Wish me luck.

-Mel

Go Hard!

 I have this habit of jumping in full steam - I get in a groove and push myself. I want to do everything all the time. I want to be the girl that goes hard and loves it. 

Also - I love working out, I wish I could do it all the time. I love how I feel when I do it - like I am being the badass bitch I pretend to be. And you CAN NOT eat while working out - so that is a win too. Any activity that doesn't revolve around eating is something I enjoy. Have you ever thought about how involved food is in ALL the activities? Dates, Lunches, Coffee breaks - 99% of celebrations include cake. 

One of my goals was to find rewards that don't involve food, tougher than it looks. Even tougher during a global pandemic when you can't go anywhere - no spa days or floats, no shopping trips or adventures. 

BUT you still have to finish the habit loop (explained in link) - there has to be a reward associated with new habits or you won't back slide back into old habits. 

What happens when FOOD has always been your reward, the ice cream, the fancy Starbucks dinner, celebratory dinner. Why is it always about food?

Why am I always about food? Have you noticed? Ever blog gets sucked into some sort of issue I am having with food, regardless of my intent. This blog was a workout blog - a shout out to my coach and the killer workout I survived. 

Even that is food related - no one wants to see my sweaty face after doing 45-minutes of squats and lunges, red and cursing, smiling. BUT the world loves a good food post, with the right lighting the right placement. Just search #foodie on any social media app and *drool* its incredibly delicious.

Also - I write these in the morning with a rumbling belly present. 

An experiment would be to post AFTER lunch.

Focus; the workout last night was spectacular. Squats in every variety (split, curtesy, pulse, jump, drop, front and loaded)  and lunges. I cursed through the entire thing, my legs screamed. So much so that on my evening walk (my reward, a few quiet minutes alone with my favourite podcast), I got to the end of the block and had to negotiate every step coming home. It was 1km - it was 18 minutes and it was all I could do before negotiating the stairs into my home.

Update; I made it up the stairs and today it hurts to get up from the toilet. I love it!

Lunch time! (and back to food)

I don't even know when I am hungry

 Can anyone relate? I don't even know when I am hungry - my body's clues aren't obvious to me. 

I woke up this morning and shifted my affirmations around making better choices - choices that fuel this machine. Choices that make me feel good. I keep making the deliciously wrong choices, because they're easy -- and delicious. I keep thinking 'just this once' for the 100th time in a day. 

I get cravings for things -- but not hungry for things. I get a taste in my mouth and I must find that taste or it consumes my every thought. On the flip side, if I can't taste something I can't eat anything, because nothing will be right. Does anyone else 'taste' something before they eat it? I don't mean dip your finger in, grab a taste, but mentally conjure the taste in your mouth. 

OR is this my super power?? 

Or am I the only one that puts this much thought into everything they consume? Welcome to the mind of a girl with ED! 

Back to the conundrum - am I hungry? Or is it just routine? And what am I hungry for? 

I could kill a row of Oreo's but that's not going to make me feel good.  The ketchup chips on the table are calling my name! I am trying to make myself want something healthy -- but I am so upside down and backwards about what is allowed. Why? I did one of those useless 'intolerance' tests, where they tell you all the things you 'react' to so you try to avoid them. 

This sounds like a great idea - however, it added to my complicated relationship with food. It make good foods feel unsafe (nuts, I react to ALL nuts and EGGS, my safest read: quickest snack) - it made me over think everything I consume and challenge my needs to be 'good'. 

ED rule #1 - there are no good or bad foods, BUT society and tests tell you constantly that there are good and bad foods - but my test told me good foods are bad. And bad foods are ok - Chips are gluten free, which makes them 'good', but they are not good. Argh. It's all too much.

Now I AM HUNGRY. I am sure I am hungry - but anything I eat will spiral out of control and ruin my day. So I don't want to eat, but that is a whole different problem. 

Life is hard - getting healthy is confusing. 

I settled on Cucumber and Turkey rolls with hot sauce. It's hitting the spots and I feel good about it. 

What's your snack today? Did you taste it BEFORE you made it? 

Outdoor Classes

 As the pandemic drags on in Ontario, Stage one is starting this week. We've had stages, colours, steps -- all fancy words for lockdown in varying degrees. No one is really locked down - its just some peoples excuse to avoid social commitments. It's not so bad - as much as I complain the thought of exiting lockdown is terrifying. I am not sure I know how to interact with people anymore, friends, family, co-workers. 

Focus that's not why we're here. 

I am easily distracted from the direction of each post. I always start with the title so I can refer back to where I was going. 

Then I get distracted again and have to find my way back - this time I stopped, saved and went back to my last post -- trying to recreate a good day. I have my smoothie and supplements at the ready - I need to meditate, but that will have to be later. 

Outdoor Classes - there it is. So, stage one welcomes outdoor fitness classes and I am having the great debate, can I work out around other humans? Do I want to? 

I do need to add cardio to my routine and it would be nice to be on schedule, but -- no but, I should do it. I will do it and I'll tell you all about it. 

Did you experience the rollercoaster of emotions that was? Did I articulate that well? 

Weeeeee!

The inevitable swing

Some days you have it all together, you feel grounded and secure. Happy and ready to be the best version of yourself. 

And somedays, you eat a sleeve of Oreo's and bark at your kids all day. 

It's balance. 

On low days - I just try to remember how I felt on the positive days. I try to connect the days, the feelings. 

Good day

• Got up with my alarm
• Washed my face 
• Weighed myself (down 3lbs)
• Made breakfast for the kiddos
• Drank ACV with honey and cinnamon
• Had a shake with avocado, spinach, zucchini and banana
• Took my handful of supplements
• Logged in to work
• Kept busy
• Set an alarm for hourly squats, stretches

Bad day

• Hit snooze 17 times (it was a good dream)
• Weighed myself (up 4lbs)
• Made breakfast for the kiddos
• Drank ACV with honey and cinnamon
• Ate breakfast, GF bagel, cucumbers and strawberries
• Logged in to work
• Had to find ways to keep busy
• Ate a sleeve of Oreos
• Barked at the kids
• Hate myself
• Turn off my squat alarm

I don't know how to turn it around -- I don't know how to feel empowered again. This is why I quit. I quit yesterday around 4pm, when the boys were wrestling for the 19th time - on my bed, aggressively, I lost it. I yelled, I hit the desk and I stormed out of my house. I decided I would not work out, I would not walk or eat dinner. I was out of my window, my brain was popping; a term coined to explain when we are overwhelmed and  angry. 

I sat outside for a minute. I decided I could still turn it around, I decided I need to work-out and even though I was late I had a great class. I couldn't go for a walk because of an impending storm and my parental duties, so I paced the backyard until I hit a km and called it a small win. 

I went to bed feeling good -- I woke up feeling bad, anxious, angry, annoyed. 

Argh. 

Today is bad day -- so far, maybe I will turn it around. 

My People

While I was away I accumulated people, experts to help me grow. This woman is not an island and the pandemic may have taken away my friends, but it only grew my 'essential' self help gurus. 

Everyone has a different view and area of expertise; 

I met Tara, who is a health coach and incredible human being. I spent 12-weeks working with her on my diet and hormone imbalances. (Click the link - Best joke. Related I promise.) She taught me more about food than I thought existed. She shared recipes and tricks for my gut health. We ended our 12-weeks with the intent on continuing, but I wanted to master everything I learned before I started round 2. And I failed her - I still use a lot of her recipes and I hear her voice in my head when I am having a bad day, with the guiding words to turn it around, but I can do better. 

I met Rod, he is a coach and trainer. He is a rockstar and too cool for me. He was running the bootcamp/boxing gym I found pre-pandemic and when everything switched to online, he built a community of fit as fudge humans to support each other. He is all about supporting the body and although he loves burpees and tabata, most of his classes are more about building strength, which I love. 

I re-engaged with Meghan, my NP. She has helped me with every lab test and study. She works out of my GPs office, but never once made me feel bad about not feeling good (as most GPs do - eat less move more, bla bla bla) Megan listens and helps me with the OHIP stuff. I get regular tests for my thyroid and she supports my decision to take an elevated Synthroid dose because that is what makes me feel good. She his Health as F*ck and introduced me to Oonagh. 

I started with Karen a Naturopath with hormone and thyroid experience. She is helping me heal my gut with supplementation and finding new ways to challenge my system. She is a strong believer in healing Hashimoto with proper gut health (yes - please!). 

And finally my dream team of therapists; Tracy is a psychotherapist who works with Richard and I on our communication. She challenges us to grow together and gives us the tools to be us - different but together. She joined our relationship when we were at our lowest and has built us up to be incredible humans. 

And my favourite person of all time; Carolyn. She is my twin flame, my future self. She is a social worker I met through Tracy and she is the only reason I have survived all of this. She believes in me and has shown me kindness and more acceptance I have never experienced. She single handedly showed me I am deserving of love and that I am not just one thing, but a collection of parts all there to protect me. She taught (and is still teaching me) how to have patience with myself, how to interact with the worst parts of me and how to be more gentle to everyone I encounter. 

These people have helped shape me throughout the pandemic and I owe my life to them. 

If you are debated reaching out and getting support - this is your sign that you can, you should. Therapy in all these different ways has helped me get to know myself. 

Find your people - find your tribe and than learn and grow from them. 

Love!

Melanie

What a time I've had...

 ... things have been rough.

Good news - not everything has changed. I still can't draw hands and I am still rocking the same ratty black tank top. Everything else is different.

First - I am living through a global pandemic. At least it started global - now its just Ontario who has been in perpetual lockdown for 1000 months (since March 2020). None of us know what that means - everything is open (basically) and you can still go to work, but the kids can't go to school. Basically Ontario lockdown means all the fun stuff is COMPLETELY UNSAFE. I am vaccinated, Richard is vaccinated and we're doing our best -- not to kill each other. 

Second - I found Tik Tok. Blogging isn't cool anymore, but Tik Tok doesn't care if I am good writer, it just wants me to dance. I can't dance. 

Third - I have an intimate relationship with my therapist. I'm working to heal all that inner trauma so the beauty queen that I am can shine through. It's a process. 

Fourth - I have gained and lost and gained the same 75 pounds since you last heard from me. I have never stopped trying, but life and being a grown up is hard. 

Fifth - My kids are full grown humans now (5&7) and it's time to get back to the fun of being me. I used to be so cool, then I stressed about kids and diaper creams, sleep training and proper diet that I became angry and boring. Not anymore my friend - NOT. ANY. MORE.

So where am I in my fitness-esque journey? 

I switched jobs again (on that note, I do change jobs a lot but I don't believe we should ever settle and although I loved the clinic, I needed more). The ONLY perk to the pandemic is the remote option for everything. I now work from home and sit my juicy booty at a desk for 8 hours a day. That's a lot of sitting and it makes it super easy to be lazy, to sit and eat all day. On a lazy day I can get from wake-up to bedtime in under 2500 steps. 

I have to make every effort to move. I set an alarm for every hour and when it dings I get up - squats, twists, presses (sometimes even with weights). Then I restart the timer and get back to work. It's not much - it's not enough, but it keeps my thunder thighs from storming. 

I am trying to shift my habit to include a walk every evening -- but life is just wearing me out and that is usually only a few times a week. I tried morning work-outs, but I love sleep and found I don't put in enough effort in the AM workouts. 

On the remote pandemic train my gym switched to virtual work-outs. Which I thought I hated, but have recently fallen in love. It's predominately weight lifting, which fits more with the me I want to be than cardio ever did. I still want to be a coach/trainer, but I am working on myself as my first client. 

R.O.D. is the coolest human I know, he ran a gym before the shutdown and it was amazing. Sadly they couldn't keep a float during the pandemic and he found his groove in an online forum. It's spectacular somehow he created a community with all of us at home. The workouts (and play lists) are killer and I look forward to it everyday. I just wish there was more -- it's only one class a day. 

I do need to invest in heavier weights because I am a strong bitch that outgrew her 10s. Yasss Queen!

Breath in the good shit, Breath our the Bullshit.

That's my segue to meditation - I am a meditator. The more research I did on weight loss, will power health and habits -- it all came down to mediation. Being able to calm your brain and do what is needed is a game changer, not to mention the benefits as you age (it's another tool in my tool box to age gracefully and remain strong and independent).

And affirmations  - I am strong, I am capable, I am loved and I am a bad bitch. We recite these things out loud and often. Zac (5 and awesome) does this beautifully. 

My goal in life is to be happy - at any weight, at any point. That means I have dance breaks, I make bad jokes, I listen to my body. It means I am healing all the parts of me. 

That is what his blog as always been about -- and if I want to be the girl I was, the one that laughed at herself, was excited about life and danced through the storm, I need to write. 

Welcome back!

All my love, 

Melanie