For a big girl - I hate that, I hate being the biggest girl in the room. I hate being too big to do the things I want. I hate this body that I have created (although I try to be good - nothing works and that is disheartening).
I regularly connect with the nurse practitioner at my GPs office. She is amazing. We used to meet every 6 months to review my thyroid plan, but too much was falling between cracks. Too many failures were piled on. We have tried everything to get me to my ideal weight and manage my mood. We have run tests on everything that hurts or doesn't work right, more on that below (if I remember). I am healthy. My sleep study came back clean (the excess weight is the only problem), my mammograms' came back clean (with a follow-up request), my endoscope was normal, my bloodwork and urine test is good every time (aside from thyroid). I have had ultrasounds and x-rays for all the aches and pains. Everything is good - yet every week I weigh in a little bit higher.
All the things I am doing right: My lifestyle has been edited - I do strength training 3-4x/week, I walk 7000-10000 steps a day, I track my calories and macros - check check check. I only drink water - no juice, coffee or dairy. I avoid gluten and dairy as much as possible. I switched to lean protein from local suppliers, antibiotic free, free range grain fed. I did the sensitivities testing and avoid the red and yellow foods. I read health as fuck and shifted my meals to be 50% vegetables -- AND a variety of vegetables for optimum gut health. I take probiotics and supplements as recommended by my naturopath. I visit the RMT and chiropractor. I do everything right, but I gain all the time and not muscle -- my inches go up as well.
The follow up on above - my aches and pains could be past trauma, it is believed that the body holds on trauma longer than the brain and people who have suffered trauma can he hypochondriacs because something always hurts. But like above - I also go to therapy twice a month to work on my mental health.
Oof - so the big things. My Nurse Practitioner has some recommendations about what we do next. She knows that I am trying and I don't want/need a quick fix, but I do need to do something. My weight/size is affecting my relationships and ability to live my life - from moto riding to sitting, standing to getting dressed to go out. It's too hard and I hate it.
One of my biggest fears in life has always been the time when I can't do what I want - I want to be able to do whatever I want. I am at a point now that my weight is stopping me from doing whatever I want. This body doesn't work and my mood is suffering.
I have three options, I need to research them all and make a decision if I want this kind of help.
1. Saxenda; diabetic medication that has proven to aid in weight loss and proven cardiovascular benefits
2. Contrave; different diabetic injection that has different perks and is laced with anti-depressants that can help with insulin control and leads to weight-loss. **I think I am waiting on more details
3. Gastric Bypass surgery; Oof. This one was hard to hear... I never thought of myself as big enough to need surgery and I can't wrap my head around the difference between getting my stomach snipped and only eating 1000 kcal a day or just cutting my kcal to 1000 a day. Why is one ok and one an eating disorder. I need to do more research because I just can't wrap my head around the point of a surgery, if it is ok to limit my calories that drastically can't I do that without surgery?? But surgery will work - only 50% of the time and it didn't work for my Mum. But the drugs will be fun, although this won't help my obsession with food.
BUT I am young and healthy so why not get it done BEFORE my heart and joints struggle?? Maybe proactive is the way to go.
And the waitlist in Ontario is 2-5 years... so likely by the time it's scheduled I won't qualify. I barely have 100lbs to lose now.
All of these feel like cutting corners and the easy way out. All of these feel too drastic for me, but everything else isn't working. I am not sure what I am going to do now. I would love opinions of people who don't know me - I haven't shared any of this with my friends of family. It feels too personal.
In the meantime I looked up what a typical day after bypass looks like AND am following that diet for a week to see how it feels, what it does and if I can do it.
I just want this all behind me - I want to be fit and healthy, happy and excited about life and the opportunities it presents without the weight.
As always -- I will track my progress and update as I learn, lose and grow.
Love!
Melanie
Ps - The big question is also - am I lying to myself somewhere? Am I really trying hard enough? Am I lazy? Am I just failing and refusing to admit it? Honestly I don't think so... but who knows at this point.
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