I don't even know when I am hungry

 Can anyone relate? I don't even know when I am hungry - my body's clues aren't obvious to me. 

I woke up this morning and shifted my affirmations around making better choices - choices that fuel this machine. Choices that make me feel good. I keep making the deliciously wrong choices, because they're easy -- and delicious. I keep thinking 'just this once' for the 100th time in a day. 

I get cravings for things -- but not hungry for things. I get a taste in my mouth and I must find that taste or it consumes my every thought. On the flip side, if I can't taste something I can't eat anything, because nothing will be right. Does anyone else 'taste' something before they eat it? I don't mean dip your finger in, grab a taste, but mentally conjure the taste in your mouth. 

OR is this my super power?? 

Or am I the only one that puts this much thought into everything they consume? Welcome to the mind of a girl with ED! 

Back to the conundrum - am I hungry? Or is it just routine? And what am I hungry for? 

I could kill a row of Oreo's but that's not going to make me feel good.  The ketchup chips on the table are calling my name! I am trying to make myself want something healthy -- but I am so upside down and backwards about what is allowed. Why? I did one of those useless 'intolerance' tests, where they tell you all the things you 'react' to so you try to avoid them. 

This sounds like a great idea - however, it added to my complicated relationship with food. It make good foods feel unsafe (nuts, I react to ALL nuts and EGGS, my safest read: quickest snack) - it made me over think everything I consume and challenge my needs to be 'good'. 

ED rule #1 - there are no good or bad foods, BUT society and tests tell you constantly that there are good and bad foods - but my test told me good foods are bad. And bad foods are ok - Chips are gluten free, which makes them 'good', but they are not good. Argh. It's all too much.

Now I AM HUNGRY. I am sure I am hungry - but anything I eat will spiral out of control and ruin my day. So I don't want to eat, but that is a whole different problem. 

Life is hard - getting healthy is confusing. 

I settled on Cucumber and Turkey rolls with hot sauce. It's hitting the spots and I feel good about it. 

What's your snack today? Did you taste it BEFORE you made it?