Here we go!

I spoke with my NP yesterday and set the plan in motion. 

I start with Saxenda on Sunday, I've read as much as I can about it and I am excited to be one of the success stories (fingers and toes are crossed it works for me). I dove into the side effects and complications as well - I feel good about this. I also got on the wait list for a consultation with the bariatric team - I don't think I want to go through with the surgery, but I have enough questions I want answers too. 

Yet - I am not telling anyone, I am not shouting from the rooftops that I need this kind of support. I am quietly being excited and only telling a handful of people. Maybe after it works I will tell people, but it feels shameful to need help. 

So here is the plan -- there is always a plan. 12 weeks on Saxenda with a growing dose week by week. At the end of it, I have to have lost 5% of my total body weight - or more. If yes, I can choose to continue. If no - we stop, because it is not working. 

I have a spreadsheet and everything -- I keep everything else the same, workouts, water and whole foods, just add a little poke every morning. 

Wish me luck! I will keep an updated journal here - I can tell you're excited. 

Love!

Melanie

I don't know

 I don't always know what to write. 

I feel like I have nothing to offer somedays - especially the days when I am failing myself. The days I have given up and don't care. The days when I look and feel like poop. And I feel like poop because I am not taking care of myself, but I don't have the energy to put in the work. 

I wish it wasn't work - I have tried the tiny habits, but even those seem like too much effort  - I have the time but I am tired. And then I am sad -- sad because I know I can be better. 

I'm sad because even this 'no effort' is doing the same thing -- which hurts my head. I can't lose weight, I continuously gain and I recognize its not about the number on the scale, but nothing else is changing either. And then I fall off - lazy, eating machine and the same things happens. The number still goes up, I still feel crummy. So with or without effort it sucks -- so WHAT IS THE POINT??

And then I have a few down days, I dust myself off and go back at it again. Maybe I don't know what I am doing -- because here I sit typing away and spewing all over the keyboard and I still don't know what to do next. I am drinking a tea and worried about the need to eat. 

I have anxiety about eating -- all the time. 

Argh. 

Hormones!

What is the difference between an enzymes and hormones? 

Answer: You can't hear an enzyme. 

Think it - say it out loud - laugh with me! 

Hormones ruin everything - Mother Nature rolls in and upsets the apple cart. The cravings are uncontrollable, my head is pounding for a week straight, my insides are turned inside out and my body is full - bloated and miserable. 

It sucks -- I am too exhausted to want to work out. Yes, not too exhausted to workout - too exhausted to WANT too. I don't want to do anything right, and then I feel even worse because I didn't do anything right. 

I know eating right and working out, drinking water and being mindful is good for me and makes me feel good BUT damn -- once I month I DON'T CARE. Then I feel worse and its the cycle. 

I am in the throws of it - I hope it doesn't last and I hope I can get back to where I need to be ASAP.

I need to find the time to meditate and settle my anxious brain.