Thursday, April 16, 2015

10 rules to not being an ASS at the gym.

 Look, there are a few things we need to discuss.

ONE - Don’t talk to me when I am naked or when you’re naked. Especially if I don’t know you. I don’t know where to put my eyes, I don’t want to be the weird girl who is uncomfortable around naked women, but I don’t want to stare at your breasts, but have noticed the mole to the left of your right nipple, have you had that looked at? Not that I was looking. And then I worry that I was staring. Awkwardly. I didn’t even hear what you said, because my brain is saying ‘Look away. Look away.’ But I can’t. You’re naked, likely I AM NAKED. This is weird.

TWO - Don’t be naked on everything. I understand we are in the change room, where we are designated to CHANGE. This involves removing clothing, showering, toweling off and reapplying clothing. But allowing your naked sweat bum to touch everything, makes me uncomfortable. I watch you plop down, bare bummed onto the community bench, first… ew, you do not know whom others naked bum has also plopped right there on that exact spot. Second, does anyone WASH the surfaces in the change room? I know the cleaning service wipes counters and likely mops, but the benches?! Who is thinking about the benches??? Third, I use THAT bench to place my things while I figure out my locker. Now I am putting my towel, which I have to wipe my FACE with on your sweaty bum bench OR I am awkwardly trying NOT to put anything on the bench and end up dropping everything on the floor, which had probably been cleaned more recently than your sweaty bum bench. Hmpf.

THREE - Sweat. You are there to sweat. You are there to exert as much effort as possible. It is a work out. It is intended to be WORK. It is designed to make you uncomfortable to permit change in your body. If you are not going to sweat (or try to sweat). Go Home. You are in my way.

FOUR - Don’t watch me. So yesterday I am at the mirror in lifting weights. I am working through my little routine and I can feel it; that uncomfortable stare. Someone is watching me. I adjust my form and push harder, because no one wants to look like a wimp that quit. I can still feel it, finally I look around and there she is, to my back left. Just staring at me, she doesn’t even look away. It’s so… uncomfortable. Do what you do, leave me to do what I do.

FIVE - Don’t be late to class. Ok, everybody has an off day. Everybody is late to class at times, even yours truly. It’s a 5:45am and I barely have my shit together I get it. But EVERYDAY you run into class after it has started. You make room in a spot that was not meant for you and then you bounce around in everyone’s way. You are ruining it for everyone. Be on time, in fact be early.

SIX - Watch my personal space. Group exercise is exercising in a group. I understand we’re all friends and we’re all there to get a killer workout, but I can’t focus on my sweat when you are there – right there. You were late and now you are there. You’re right up against me when we move forward or your backing into me, because you choice the front spot, but started to second guess your decision. Tough. This 3x3 bubble is mine. I came early to class. I staked my claim on this little piece of land. Don’t invade and post your flag. This is not for you.

SEVEN - Don’t take a nap in the lounger. Get some rest at home, don’t take a 2 hour nap in the lounger. It’s weird and makes me uncomfortable. And don’t say you just dozed off after a killer workout, you have a blanket. You are tucked in. This was planned.

EIGHT - Please remember the anti-stink stick. I am all for working up a healthy sweat (see #3), but let’s be kind to our neighbours and where some deodorant. There is nothing worse than zipping along on the treadmill, pacing to your favorite song when something wafts into your nose. It’s a sweet, sticky smell of someone’s perspiration. Yuck. Kudos to you for working up a sweat, but now I am stuck on this stationary machine in the billowing cloud of your stench. Please. PLEASE. Keep it pretty.

NINE - Don’t hit on her. No I am NOT jealous that you are not hitting on me. I am not there to impress and I know I look like a hot mess, but my man is happy so it’s not your concern. This is a tip to help out the beautiful girl on the elliptical with her headphones on, who is just trying to work it out. You can tell she is in the zone, killing it – actually sweating. Then you and your meat head friends walk past and look her up and down, snicker to each other and hop in the machine beside her. You warm up and pretend to stretch, then you tap her on the shoulder, interrupt her stride and make some stupid remark (I have headphones and can’t always hear it, but I am guessing it is something about ‘Your glutes are looking fine, babygirl’). She is polite, not interested. She puts her earbud back in and keeps going… this should be when you walk away, but no, you keep at it; until she stops, wipes down her machine and takes cover in the ladies change room. See what you did there? You ruined it for her.

TEN - The shower. This is not your personal shower, you are not at home. Just be civil; be quick, be courtesy and take your nasty glob of conditioned hair with you when you leave. You can put it beside you on the sweaty bum bench.

It just comes down to common courtesy, don't enhance your gym experience by ruining someone else's. We're all there for the same reason, can't we just sweat in peace. Please.

1 comment:

  1. This is AMAZING! and reminds me why I HATE the gym lol