Friday, November 4, 2011

I'm losing it.

That would imply I had it and given my current state I am thinking I never did. 'it' being the key to maintaining my lifestyle AND good health. I know my lifestyle has to change, what I really mean is finding something that I can take AS my lifestyle... something that will work... something that will stick. The only consistencies through this whole thing is the gym. Everything else comes and goes... its in a going state. I have lost all sense of ambition and I have no interest in portion control, restrictions and calorie counting. Life can't be this hard... and honestly I am living by the main rules... eat well, don't snack, but they aren't working. They aren't working in a sense as I slide (had a large dinner, but still made it to the gym) and it results in a HUGE gain. It could be water weight, but Friday to Friday its a 6 pound different. I still went to the gym everyday and then some. I still cut out wheat and diary. How can I be trying so hard and still failing??? It is so frustrating that i want to throw up my arms and eat a bowl of FULL FAT ICE CREAM.

I know I will hate myself in the morning, but right now I will feel good and I haven't felt good in a LONG time.

Honestly I feel overwhelmed with life... partly wedding related (planning a wedding is a lot of work and its exhausting... partly work (2 people just left my department. 1 I wanted to go and 1 I am devastated to lose)... partly my Dad and the uncertainty of his diagnosis (There might be no BIG wedding).

I'm tired, but I feel lazy when I am acknowledge that and sleep in, take a nap or skip the gym.

Not sure how to fix my mood... not sure how to make it all work again. I want to be a skinny bride, but maybe I should just learn to be happy where I am... ok if nothing changes... that would be AWESOME...


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