My Oma died.

Yesterday afternoon my Oma passed away. She was in her 90s and suffering from dementia, she hadn't had quality of life in years. I hope she is in a better place.

I am sad.

I am confused.

I am angry.

I am sad, because a life ended. I am sad because my grandmother is no longer existing. Gone are the opportunities to get to know her, introduce her to my son, send her cards or be a good granddaughter. Family drama had prevented my participation in her life. I missed her everyday, but couldn't get to her. Adding dementia into the mix, meant that even if I did find my way to her she wouldn't know who I was, which would be heart breaking to both of us.

I am confused, because I can't find the words to describe her. I don't know where she went, whom she was excited to see again. I don't know if she is in a better place or just a different place. When my Nana passed away, it was devastating, because she was/is my mentor, but she found peace and probably ran FULL TILT into my Grandpa's waiting arms. She had spent 30+ years waiting to see him again. I know to this day that she is up there dancing with Grandpa, happy. I don't know where my Oma found herself. Did she find her way back to Opa? Or to a past love? What is she doing now and is it bringing her immense joy? I hope so. And as I have faith that my Nana is watching over me and guiding me, will my Oma watch over me as well? Even though it had been years since we spoke. Will she get lost in fond memories of her sweet Granddaughter or was I lost in the confusion of battling relatives? How should I remember her? How will she remember me?

I am angry, because my relationship with her was hindered by the pointless feuds of her children. The battles of money and possessions out weighed their need for family. I am angry that I didn't go against my father wishes and maintain a relationship with MY Grandmother.

But mostly I am sad.

I write this post as a dedication to my Oma, a strong woman that deserves so much more than a measly blog post.

I'm sorry Oma.