Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sometimes I don't know what to write.

Today is one of those days. I feel like I have a lot going on, but without making progress I don't feel like writing.

I am on week 2 of my running schedule, which is actually week 5 of my running schedule. Its 10-weeks to 10k, but the first 2 weeks were slow and below my level of ability. So I started on week 3 and the 4th week was a rest week, that I didn't think I had earned it so I skipped ahead to week 5. I also want to get this done as quick as possible, because upon completion I get to start Hot Yoga. Yay! I love Hot Yoga, but its a little more expensive than running (which is free) and I am on a budget with the big wedding coming up. I thought I needed to have something to work towards and something to earn. Hopefully I will be finished with running by Dec 1. It would be nice to have Hot Yoga for the cold winter months.

I am finding my clothes looser, but the scale is never changing... same old, same old. I seem to be on a plateau that I can't shake. Granted I know the mistakes I am making, but I make them anyways. I love food and find comfort in making it and eating it. Its been a stressful couple weeks... maybe that is why I need to write... I need to get everything out of my head.

First... Weddings are the worst. They test relationships and challenge friendships. They leave the bride feeling needy and demanding, while the friends feel overwhelmed and used. Both parties have a sour taste in their mouths and why? For a big day of love... Seems pointless. I would rather keep my friends and not have a wedding. (I still want a marriage, I just don't want a wedding). This wedding planning has forced me to sacrifice a friend and caused noticeable tearing of a stable relationship. Now myself, a people pleaser, is caught in the middle... asking for what I need and risking coming across as a Bridezilla or taking it all on myself and resenting the people that should be helping me. I am currently doing the latter and it sucks.

Second... Dad. I don't know if I am ready to talk about it, but I'm scared for my father and there is nothing I can do about it. His health is waning and all I can do is watch and be there if he needs me. Its ironic how much this news is killing me based on the rocky relationship we've had, but the thought of losing my Dad brings me to tears every time I even think about my life and all the happiness that won't be the same without him there. The wedding... babies... everything a girl needs her Dad for. 28 years of not really needing him and suddenly I need him and there is a HUGE chance he won't be there. I am more effected by it than I am willing to show. It's also amazing how many times I have written that and deleted it, wanting to tell people, reach out and ask for help, but too afraid to admit it was really happening. Part of me feels I am over reacting and I should not be this upset, but the other part says worry all you want if that's all you can do.

So that is why I am eating the wrong things... I am still keeping under my daily calories and I am still hitting the gym 6 days a week, but only to allow the binging, which makes everything better for a minute.

I am going to go eat a cookie before spin class... don't judge me.


Pounds to Lose: 26 (only because I wasn't counting write for the last week ;)

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