Monday, September 29, 2014

Realization is the first step.

I am 31 years old (Gah, I actually had to stop and think about whether I was 32 or not) and I am just  connecting the dots to my failure. Weird, right?

First, I am all about self-realization and believe it is the method of growth. I love learning about myself and using that to change my life in a positive way. I am very sensitive to comments about myself, because I want to be better. And one small comment about my attitude or appearance will always stick with me until I can change it (unless its a positive one and than I am VERY aware of it).

I am also realizing most people are NOT like this or ARE, but to lazy to change. 

I learned this about myself a few years back, when a former friend called me 'self-centred'.  I hated that, because it was true (yet I hadn't realized until she said it, which stung). I enjoy talking about myself and my life (hence this blog and 3 others JUST like it). I worked so hard to remove that trait from my list. I made a conscious effort everyday to stop talking about my life, to ask people about theirs, actively listening and even made notes to remember crucial information. I like how it feels when someone remembers something important to me, so everyone else MUST like it as well (which feels very self centred and ironic to type, but its true).

Since then I welcome comments about myself and how I am perceived. I want to be aware of how I make people feel. 

Back to the original thought, said the rambler. 

This weekend was rough. I was in a foul mood after a crummy Friday (work related), I was bloated, uncomfortable and miserable. 

I feel bloated, eat a cookie.
I wish we had more money, eat a bag of chips.
I am overwhelmed by the state of the house, fingerful of frosting.
Thomas won't listen, 2 cookies.
This drive is taking forever, Icced Cap and cookie. 
It's late and I'm tired, crackers and cheese.

I lean on food HARD. I always have, but all of that didn't seem odd to me, or even register... until this morning. I woke up in another fowl mood, dreading my day ahead and my first instinct... I'll get McDonalds for breakfast. I deserve it. Wait... WHAT?

Why do I deserve a grease filled, sugar laden breakfast? That's not a reward or a pick me up on a crummy day. It's only going to make me feel worse, but even as I type this I am thinking about it, because I treat myself with food. I justify snacking with excuses... I've been awake for 16 hours, I worked hard, I got a lot done today (food is also a celebration of successes, no wonder I carry extra pounds. Hmpf!)

And the more I think about it the angrier it makes me, because I am a logical person and it doesn't make sense!

So this morning, because I didn't have time for breakfast I walked past McDonald's and got this...

It's not great. It has a ton of sugar, but its a million times better than a Bacon and Egg Bagel with cheese from McDonald's.

I always knew I was an emotional eater... I just never connected to the triggers. I am hoping being aware of them will help me avoid them. 

Fitness has never been my issue. It's my diet that trips me up on every weight loss journey.

I am going to make an effort every single day to reward good behaviour with good foods (or no food at all, but baby steps). And I am going to combat bad days with good food, because I know that every bad day can be triumphed with a pair of, formally tight, lose fitting pants.

Wish me luck..?


PS. What have you realized (and changed) about yourself? 

Or (dare I ask) is there anything you've noticed about me?

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