Monday, November 8, 2010

Restart - AGAIN!

I hate myself today.

I hate that I let myself go.

I hate even more that my body is SO dysfunctional that ONE week of not counting every calorie has left me with another 10-pounds to loose.

I hate it.

I hate that the doctors can't find anything wrong, yet I know I am falling apart.

I hate that I have to starve myself and hit the gym 15 times in a week just to MAINTAIN my weight.

I hate that I will never be 'skinny'.

I hate that I want to be 'too skinny'. I want people to talk behind my back about how I have lost TOO much weight. I know it is unhealthy, but I can't stop.

I reach for that chocolate bar and instantly feel disgusted when I eat it, yet I eat it. I over indulge and hate myself for it, but can't stop.

Today I hate a lot of things... and it hurts the most to hate myself.

I am back on the Slim Fast. I need to kick start my body. I need to get moving. I have 20 pounds to loose by the end of the year and for anyone keeping track that is 8 WEEKS! I need to loose MORE than 2 pounds per week consistently for the next 8 weeks. I can't imagine the disappointment I will feel when I have to say Happy New Years as a continued fatty.

I hate that I am starting another year as a fatty. I hate that I hate my body SO much.

Wish me luck. I need to do this for my sanity. It's not even about being healthy anymore.

I am going to report to YOU everyday my diet and exercise. I promise to be completely honest.


Today's MENU
Breakfast - Slimfast Shake
Snack - Celery and Peanut Butter, Large Green Tea - black.
Lunch - 7 grain bun with Chicken, cheese and mustard with grapes.
Snack - 6 crackers, 1 large apple
Dinner - Slimfast Shake

Total Calories: 1230

Run: 45 minutes
Restart Week 2 Push-ups.

Pounds to loose: 20(-0) - Body Fat: -0% - Inches Lost: 0 - Push Ups: 0

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