Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I can't do this.

It feels impossible.

I can't lose weight and keep it off. I can't stick to a diet. I have a headache and I feel dizzy. I am still up from the weekend and I am bored. I need intellectual stimulation and I don't feel like I am getting it from anyone. I need a challenge, that isn't the same as every challenge. Lose weight. Get fit. Been there. Done that. Give me something to look forward to, work towards.

Yes, I have a wedding to 'look forward to' and a weight loss goal to 'work towards', but neither excites me. I am dreading my wedding day, because it won't be what I want... selfish? yes. But isn't the bride suppose to have her dream wedding??? Then why is everything a compromise with my groom and his mother. I never wanted a big expensive wedding, but now I am stuck paying for one... which I can't afford, because I have a job with no growth potential. There is no room to move or improve. This is it.

I would love to advance, but most of that takes schooling and time... time I don't feel like I have because of what I want in the future (yes I mean babies).

I am having an off day and I don't want to be here... I want to go to sleep and forget it all.

It doesn't help that I can't figure out my body and in all this effort to make it better I have mucked it up more... I used to maintain my weight with a few cheat days here and there, but I was happy. Now I can't consume dairy without ballooning up and spending days and hours re-working all my hard work.

I am sick of the gym and the same routine everyday (although I love my classes... I am bored). I am bored.

That;s it... I am sick of not making my own decisions anymore, but with a partnership I have to run everything by Richard, which feels more like asking for permission all the time... and getting declined even more of the time. I wish I had more say in my relationship and everything didn't have to be his way ALL the time, but it is easier than fighting over it.


I hate today.

That's all... I am going to spin, because I have too... not because I want to and I ate a cupcake... just a mini one, but I ate it.

Stupid Cupcake.

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