Monday, February 27, 2012


Ok... I am having a stressful day week month life. I am about at my limit and I am not sure what to do about it. My first attempt to remain calm is yoga, my second is hiding the scale and sadly my third is finding another job; not to replace my current one, but to add to it... because at the end of the day I have BARRELS of energy left to work a double shift. I wish I had a choice, but with my partners inability to retain a job and my lack of enthusaim over losing my house I don't have a choice.

It's going to challenge my health, my career and my relationship, but again I don't have a choice. I can't live in constant fear relying on someone else to help me, as always I am doing this alone and need to learn that the only person that is EVER going to bail me out, is me.

It hurts to realize this, but I need to push that aside and just get it done. I wish everyone in my life had the same drive and motivation, but sadly they don't... I live in the world of yuppies, young adults afraid to get their hands dirty. I wondered what would snap me out of this priviledged mind set and force me back into my poverty ways.

So let's recap... because I am feeling VERY self loathing at the moment.

1. I have thyroiditis, which drains my energy and makes me fat
2. I have hypothryoidism which does the same as #1 but in a more subtle fashion.
3. I just had a tooth yanked out of my face and my benefits DIDN'T cover the extraction.
4. My partner isn't working and has given up hope.
5. My line of credit is MAXED from wedding crap.
6. I am planning a BIG wedding that I never wanted.
7. I'm fat and can't do anything about it.
8. I just got my annual raise (from my career) and it was less than $10 a pay cheque.
9. My career is overly demanding with little reward.
10. I have no friends or family to lean on.

That's about it... yes, I took a stride in the weight loss battle by hiding the scale and not beating myself up over every pound, but that's just another stress, because I can't control it.

I am feeling very alone and very down... what if this is my life? What if I will always carry the weight of the world on my shoulders? What if it never gets easier? The worst part is I can handle it... so no one worries, but I should't have too and I don't want too... I thought having a partner meant I never had to go through this alone... now I am up to my eye balls in debt, because I tried to live a life I couldn't afford.


I am going to hit the gym today and hopefully it picks up my mood, because today I don't even want to go home.

On the upside... no sign of Walter this week.


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