Thursday, December 29, 2011

Follow Up

I hate the dreaded follow up. I hate the unknown. Everyone always says 'No News is Good News', but what happens when the phone rings and the secretary says 'He needs to see you'; even worse 'He needs to see you as soon as possible'. It makes my heart flutter.

Today I got a call from my Doctors office, the call to say your test results are in and he needs to see you as soon as possible. Now its the waiting game, because my Doctor is out of the office until January 3rd.

I think I shared every gory detail of my testing. I had 2 blood tests, an ultrasound of my throat and a breathing test. The results to discuss are in regards to my ultrasound and the lump in my throat, which was a goiter last time, but could be anything from my hypothyroidism acting up to thyroid cancer. Its got my mind racing, but I am trying not to google anything.

Just wanted to share my anxiety... its actually keeping me up at night. I sometimes feel like I am maxed out, over whelmed and ready to throw in the towel. I don't know how to go back to being carefree. I don't know how to explain my panic attacks to Richard, who wants to understand, but cracks a joke to quickly. I have this wedding hanging over my head, my Dad's fading health, the family drama; that hides around every corner (--and every big event), my own health and the stress of trying to pay for it all. I am lucky to have a partner, but I feel alone a lot of the time.

Honestly, since this blog went to a vulnerable place, I miss my oldest friend. The one that knew me better than anyone, the one that would sit up all night and sip wine, while we worked out our lives, the one that kept me grounded and young at heart. The one that could sense when I was overwhelmed and would take some of the burden as much for me as I would for her. It breaks my heart that something so small tore us apart... and that planning this wedding reminds me of her everyday, but I can't talk to her. I can't fall back into the comfortable relationship that doesn't exist anymore. People grow up and grow apart... I just wish she saw how hurt I am. I wish she would stop being selfish and stand up with me, because I need her.

Woah... sorry about that. Just feeling a little emotional. I miss being me... I missed living in the moment and enjoying the now. I miss being selfish and happy. I miss enjoying every moment... I am so wrapped up in the future and all that is to be, that I keep forgetting to enjoy every second. I want so badly to make those around me happy that I often forget about myself. I am feeling stuck in a rut, which I am sure will pass... just having a down day. Let's hope all these emotions stay in 2011... and 2012 is filled with excitement and every form of good anticipation.


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